I am lucky enough to have the lovely ‘Depressed Not Dead’ pod caster extraordinaire jamoalki come on here today (and hopefully again in the future) to share some of his story with you! I will also give a quick *Trigger Warning* here as the topic of suicide is discussed in detail. Without further ado, over to jamoalki! – Kate
Hi, I’m jamoalki. That’s not a typo, jamoalki is my handle on the internet. It’s a word I created using the first two letters from each of my girl’s first names. It’s all lowercase because I love them all and JaMoAlKi looks funny and JAMOALKI looks like I’m yelling. So hello.
Kate and I met…well I’m not sure. A major symptom of my mental illness is that my memory is out the window. Maybe we crossed paths on Twitter or maybe we chatted with each other in #SickNotWeak’s defunct set of chat rooms. (As an aside, I hope they’re able to get them back up and running.) What matters is that we met and I think she’s wonderful.
How wonderful? Well she’s agreed to cross blog with each other. I’m so excited to get her thoughts and way of thinking on my page www.jamoalki.info. Often, when I’m reading her blog I swear she’s reached inside my head and pulled the words straight from me.
Think she’s buttered up enough? On with the introduction.
I have major depressive disorder, dysthymia and avoidant personality disorder. I suspect I’ve been dysthymic since the beginning, which brought around the AvPD as I grew up. Somewhere along the way I picked up the MDD, and that’s the one that scares me the most. That’s the one which many times brought me to the edge of and a couple of times to follow through and try to die by suicide.
The last time was a little over two and a half years ago, January 21, 2015. I tried to overdose on my prescription medication. It should have worked. It probably would have worked had I gone somewhere secluded. Three months later I spent a weekend figuring out where I went wrong. I worked out how to do it better “next time”.
That next time hasn’t come, yet. I’ve been close in other ways. As close as a few seconds to half a day of planning away from executing a plan.
I’m the dumbest smart person I know. I can do the physics to know the impact from jumping off a cliff at the Grand Canyon, USA or drive into a semi, head on, with a combined speed of 180 mph (290 kmh). I know to make sure to buy the cable with the proper working strength for the height of the “High Bridge” here in St Paul, USA. But I’m not smart enough to know that suicide is not the best way to go.
I have, in the rafters in my basement, a large Rx bottle filled to the brim with months worth of Wellbutrin and Trazadone crushed up into fine powder. There it sits, waiting for me to retrieve it, someday. I don’t have a plan for it. Not yet anyway.
For now, it’s simply reassuring knowing it’s there. Understanding that a way out is only two floors below me. Sealed tight. Like a baby blanket or teddy bear it doesn’t ask anything of me, it only sits and waits for me to need it, when the world gets scary and nothing else will make me feel safe. It’s my secret safety blanket from the world.
It’s with that bottle in mind that I asked Kate to cross-blog with me. Another low-pressure form of accountability and distraction to keep that bottle downstairs tucked away in silence.
Thank you so much jamoalki!
Website: www.jamoalki.info Follow on Twitter: @jamoalki
Podcast: ‘Depressed Not Dead’ – available on iTunes and all good podcast mediums and don’t forget to leave a 5 star rating!