Non-Compliant

In the past, I have been less than compliant with the medication regimes and advice of psychiatrists, but I listen to Meredith. I have always complied with her, I have always been a good girl. I have a ‘cancellation’ appointment today with the wonderful Meredith.

I will have to admit that she’s wasting her time with me as nothing much has really changed from the brief emergency session I had with her last week after e-mailing her in a moment of weakness begging for help.

Nothing has changed because I changed nothing; I ignored her advice.

I can’t do it right now, medication, the side effects are too bad. I need to be there for people, I need to be able to take the kids to school and my parents to appointments and do the shopping and clean the house and generally do all the shit that doesn’t do itself if I stop to spend two weeks in bed gaga as I get used to the meds again.

The euphoric mania side of this weird mixed episode is so fleeting but so good, it’s costing me a lot of money and that’s affecting my relationship but when it’s warmth embraces me I don’t even care about those trivial ‘life’ things, because the trees are so fucking green and the sky is so fucking blue and I never want to see the faded colours of reality again, I much prefer surrounding myself instead, with the colours of madness.

IMG_6742
The Intensity Of Clear Blue Sky

Beauty reins superior until the tide finally turns and I tremble for an hour, lost between two alternative realities, or sometimes I just wake up and the worlds has returned to winter, life is black and white, the colours of madness all but a memory hidden by a blanket of the thickest fog. Nothing matters.

But the knowledge that mania’s vivid hues lie just below the surface are still enough to stop me swallowing the bitter pill that will augment my reality to someone else’s ideal, if I can just grasp it again for a second I can hold on and never let go, I can run forever with its colourful kite tails flying behind me. Free.

I would rather die here with my demons than live in a world of another’s making, a world where I have to live with the knowledge of what I have lost.

And I don’t remember how to care about what I leave behind.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

Bipolar Brave

Power, Love & A Sound Mind

Mindfump!

Mental health news, reviews and all things funny.

Beckie's Mental Mess

Mental health awareness, negative to positive perspective. ~~ Creative Writing ~~

channel

michelle mumford

Chelsea Ann Owens

A Wife, My Verse, and Every Little Thing

Sad N Blue

Effecting coping methods for depression and anxiety

Surviving My Past

Mental Health blog, podcasts, and videos about my life with Dissociation, Anxiety, and PTSD as a survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse, Bullying, and Narcissistic Abuse

The Deere Milkmaid

Bleeds green & yellow. Milks life for all it's worth. Opines endlessly.

MENTAL ILLNESS: LIVING SAFELY ON THE CLIFF

We advocate, uplift, educate, and share stories of hope!

Confessions of a Bipolar Homeschool mom

Life's not perfect- neither am I

The Belle Jar

"Let me live, love and say it well in good sentences." - Sylvia Plath

%d bloggers like this: