So, what do you do when you are feeling like an impulsive, rebellious teenager?
Answer: Whatever the hell you want.
So I bought a stack of new clothes and dyed my hair.
Going ‘bright’ is something I have toyed with over the years, but also something I could never bring myself to actually go ahead with. But it seems like I’ve hit a bit of a “fuck everyone” stage and so I decided to take a leaf out of Nike’s book and just do it!
Platinum Blonde and Smurfette-Blue.
My kids HATE it, actually nobody likes it, well except for my polite twitter friends and a few random retailers that have commented positively but they are trying to sell me things… Honestly though, for the first time in my life I truly don’t care what people think, I like it.
Maybe it’s a control thing, I chose this, it wasn’t thrust upon me so it’s ok. I also purposely didn’t go with bright pink because it is so socially acceptable, there is the possibility of a breast cancer related motive and people don’t question it. I think deep down I wanted to be questioned.
Old ladies look at me now with the same disdain they did when I was a pregnant teenager. A raised eyebrow and low muttering, judgement written all over their wrinkled faces. I used to run to the bathroom and cry when that happened, 17yrs old and scared, the doubt of my own abilities confirmed and amplified by those elderly stares and tut tuts.
Now even in my fragile state of mind those stares don’t hurt me, in fact they almost make me feel powerful. These people know nothing about my life or my morals. I didn’t choose to be an overweight 8yr old, I didn’t choose teenage pregnancy, I sure as hell didn’t choose bipolar, but I chose this. I decided.
So rather than hide away sobbing like my former self, I make direct eye contact, smile at them warmly and say, “what a beautiful brooch you are wearing” of “isn’t it a beautiful day outside”. Some seem threatened by the strange blue haired women suddenly talking to them or complimenting them, surely there must be an ulterior motive, will she steal my brooch? Others seem pleasantly surprised and even reply, “yes, it is lovely today”. It feels like I am daring them to step outside of their comfort zones by challenging their expectations.
Opening minds, or making a fool of myself? Who really cares? Let ME live MY life.
My husband commented that I am giving away my anonymity as society assumes the average woman in her mid-thirties who dyes her hair bright colours is probably crazy. I wanted to argue at him for being generally rude and perpetuating the stigma, but honestly, perhaps he has a point. I hate to admit it, but everyone I have known that has randomly dyed their hair bright colours has been going through something.
So yes, perhaps I am ‘crazy’ but maybe I am just so sick of hiding it, if you don’t like me for who I am, bipolar and all then feel free to go, you don’t have to know me. So, for now I will wear my heart on my sleeve and the colour of my madness on the top of my head, and I will wear them with pride.
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