Coping is a funny thing, you just do and you do until suddenly you can’t, so you don’t and then everything crumbles around you, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
My mind is teetering on the edge of reason and I am fluctuating between euphoric exuberance and utter devastation leaving little room for the middle man.
I’m not handling it.
I saw my psychiatrist ages ago, I’m supposed to be taking my meds now, but I’m not. I told her I didn’t want to, she tried to reason with me for a little while before writing something on her note pad. “Are you labeling me as non-compliant?” I queried, she smiled, “no, no, just ‘reluctant’”.
I’m a little bit frightened, because although this feels like being stuck in quicksand, it still feels honest, the ‘me on tablets’ suddenly feels like an imposter that I need to run away from and I simply don’t want to ‘fake life’ anymore. That being said my surges of impulsivity are getting more extreme, more dangerous and I am catastrophizing ridiculously.
For example I had a great morning catching up with a friend and seeing a movie and then spoke to hubby on the phone, he sounded a little short with me so in my mind I decided that he was angry, somehow I must have failed him again and I just couldn’t handle that. I am sick of being the cause of conflict or concern. So I went from a 10 to a 1 and naturally I started planning the particulars of my impending suicide, making arrangements to give away the fish, deleting all traces of my blog/twitter/online life from my phone, updating suicide notes, preparing my hidden suicide tools ‘incase I get admitted to hospital before I get the chance’.
Hubby got home, he wasn’t actually upset at me at all. The whole thing was concocted by my twisted mind, I’m not normally this reactive and I know this is the mood episode talking, I am aware of the possibility that I will over react to something silly and find a permanent solution to a ‘temporary’ problem, as they say.
Not that there is ever an ideal time, but I keep forgetting the reasons that I really shouldn’t kill myself right now, like because I need to help Mum out with Dad, it would also suck for my grieving mother to have to keep telling Dad over and over again that I was dead. Alzheimer’s is shitty enough without throwing a dead daughter into the mix.
But there are a bunch of things I am trying to finish off just in case it once again stops mattering for too many moments and I do end up taking the easy way out, for example I’m writing a story/photo book for my nephew for Christmas and I desperately want to finish it and get it printed.
Sleep is fleeting, although according to my fit bit I am technically still averaging nearly 6hrs a day (all be it massively interrupted) over the week so I know that could be a lot worse. When I do sleep I am dreaming of birds, huge great flocks of them, they are always taking off. Maybe I am yearning for some sort of freedom…
I am having frequent bouts of shakiness between mood swings that feel like things crawling inside of me that make me want to tear my insides out and at this point I think the bags under my eyes could also be used for grocery shopping. I guess all that new makeup I bought on a whim the other day will come in handy after all.
Upside: I keep forgetting to eat so I am losing weight.
There are moments when I really don’t know if I am going to get out of this one alive, I don’t trust myself at all right now and despite the few things I want to finish off I don’t know that I care enough to keep living. I still don’t want to fix this feeling enough to take my meds, it feels too late for that in some ways. I don’t want this to progress to psychosis, I REALLY don’t want the depression that will follow, why can’t I just have the ‘up’ and let it pitter out, why can’t I get off the damn roller coaster at the top?
I want my calorie free cake and I want to eat it too!
Apparently I wasn’t hiding it all as well as I thought because Hubby looked at me this morning and said, “I love you Hun, but you’re really unwell right now. Your legs were shaking all night, even when you were sleeping. I know you’re scared to, but please think about taking your meds.”
I said I’d think about it. I am thinking about it. Ugh.