Self-medicating

My friend JP is lovingly badgering me about my non-compliance at the moment, this was his reply to a twitter chat we had when I admitted I had wagged therapy, was self-medicating and not spoken to my doctor:

“What is it you are self medicating with? What’s hubby think about all this? Is there something else that is keeping you from contacting your med doc?  I’m gonna keep asking questions until we can trigger your rational mind to take the driver’s seat. I’ll be thinking of you.”

Today is a better day, I have achieved quite a few things on my to do list this morning, I am feeling more rational and able to write more effectively so I was just going to reply to him, but then I thought I would do a blog post about it and let you all know what is going on at the moment too. (Hope that’s okay JP!)

So basically, I wagged my Fiona (therapist) appointment on Tuesday for a few reasons, partly because hubby got the day off and suggested we go to IKEA (that NEVER happens!) but mostly because I had promised my therapist at the beginning of last week that I would try and see my psychiatrist, or at least my GP ASAP, and I didn’t.

She is on placement and new at this whole therapy lark and so I try to play down my suicidal ideation issues a little bit so that she doesn’t freak out and do the ‘duty of care’ thing and dob on me to my GP – my GP is an “err on the side of caution” type and I really, really don’t want to get thrown into hospital against my will. On the bright side my psychiatrist understands me quite well and has previously stated that if I was hospitalised every time I was suicidal I would never leave, so I could possibly get some support there, it’s just that she seems to be kind of uncontactable right now.

So basically, I was high as a kite when I saw Fiona and while she reacted very professionally she was obviously a little startled by my “unusual presentation”, she commented that I couldn’t sit still, kept getting distracted and I was talking really fast, I guess she hasn’t seen a manic person with blue hair before.

So Fiona was concerned about my impulsivity being coupled with sudden suicidal impulses that I stupidly admitted having, she also knows that I have “means” to act on them available, but as I felt a million bucks at that time she agreed not to speak to my GP directly that day on condition I made an appointment with my GP to discuss what was going on and rang my psychiatrist.

But you see the stars simply didn’t line up, my psychiatrist still hasn’t replied to my e-mail and I feel supremely awkward about that whole thing because I just know she is just going to tell me to consistently take the meds at the full dose that I already have and they are the ones I don’t want to take, so essentially contacting her is just a waste of her time.

I genuinely did try to make an appointment with my GP but it turned out she was away last week so I decided it wasn’t meant to be and I didn’t end up pursuing either of them any further.

So, I am doing what you probably shouldn’t do in my position and mildly self-medicating, or self-dosing anyway, I am letting my high get to the point where it is dysphoric, impulsive and causing me stress and then popping a full dose of my antipsychotic, if I take it at 5pm this allows me to sleep and be just barely sober enough to drive the kids the 10km to the school bus & back in the morning, but it renders me about as useful as tits on a bull until approximately 9am, I have stuff to do, places to be and it’s simply not practical!

I will admit that it does kill the dysphoria and suicidal ideation quite effectively without completely wiping out the high and by midday I am usually happily hypomanic and then by the evening/ night time I am fairly euphorically pumped.

If I don’t take anything that night I probably won’t sleep much but if I take more of the antipsychotic I am scared I won’t be able to keep my buzz the next day (as per the aforementioned addictive properties of hypomania in my previous post) so I attempt to self -sleep, sometimes if I have somewhere to be the next day and I have it available I will smoke a joint because I don’t drink (calories) and it helps me sleep and doesn’t give me any hangover in the morning so I am still able to function, I just tend to wake up around 4am raring to go.

When I don’t sleep more than about 4 hours a night for two or three nights my euphoric highs reach a crescendo and become dysphoric, for example the other night, while Hubby snored beside me I was pumped and couldn’t sleep because I swear it was as though I had channeled Marshall Mathers himself, yep, Eminem was narrating my life!

All my thoughts were interlinked beautifully with the next and in perfect rhyme, I was constantly scrambling to write down bits and bobs of what felt like the most amazing gift ever to use as lyrics in a rap song. It felt brilliant and wonderful, I woke up in the morning and I was still high but by the time yesterday afternoon hit it was in a dysphoric, depressed kind of way, I was irritable, snappy, crying at the drop of a hat, thoughts racing but no longer in rhyme (nor reason) and desperately wanting to end my life.

I skipped dinner and went to bed, Hubby held me while I ugly cried for no particular reason and attempted to cheer me up, I took an antipsychotic and fell asleep, today I am feeling fine, probably still “elevated” even though I don’t feel particularly so because since the foggy feeling wore off around 9am I have cleaned the fish tanks, the guinea pig, the chook pen, vacuumed, re dyed the underneath of my hair blue (it had faded out) and written this nearly two page blogpost and put up half a dozen more that I hadn’t been able to post because I had no data left… and its only 11:30… Yeah, probably still elevated.

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