I promised myself at the beginning of 2017 that this would be the year I pick my dusty neglected memoir manuscript back up and do the final edit before finally submitting it to someone. Well, last Friday it dawned on me that we are already in November and 2017 is rapidly drawing to a close so I finally picked it up and thanks to this bout of hypomania, I didn’t put it back down until I had finished it!
I feel very cleansed and relieved but also slightly apprehensive, I mean showing my work, my life, to someone for critical judgement is scary. I know to expect to be rejected 100 times, but what if they all hate it? What if they laugh in my face for being a 32yr old with a memoir? Is the whole thing just a big grandiose idea that makes me seem like an up myself twat with too much time on her hands?
Then on the other side of the coin, the knowledge that if the manuscript were ever to be accepted by a publisher that people in my real life would then know about it, see it, read it and then in turn be led to this blog. As open as I want to be I am still very safe and secure in my little online bubble. My husband has always said if you are open about your life and your demons then those who want to stay will, those who won’t will go and you will live a free life being who you are. He’s a wise man and I know he’s right, yet so much of my life was built upon my secrets that living without them is daunting.
My memory has never been brilliant, I am acutely aware that as accurate as I have tried to be, some of my timelines might be off a bit. The way I saw an event unfolding, particularly when I have been unwell, may have been very different to the way that other people did and those potential inaccuracies bother me, I don’t want people to think I am a liar.
I also worry that people who are in the book might be upset by it, I have of course changed the names of those who are painted in an unfavourable light, those who don’t wish to be named or those I am no longer in contact with to ask, but still – I don’t want to hurt people.
some stories that have impacted other people substantially have been left out altogether as they are not just my stories to tell and I don’t want to cause distress.
So many what ifs, but eventually I just have to take the plunge.
So, it’s finished *breathes sigh of relief* now on to the next step!