So as previously mentioned, I have been avoiding my mental health ‘team’ a little bit lately, if I’m honest, this is mostly because I have been ‘elevated’ and I wish to continue being so and was scared of having my happiness shut down or worse medicated into a zombie oblivion. Here’s a long winded update for those that have been asking…
I went to see my therapist a few weeks ago and I accidentally freaked her out a bit, she is a trainee on her last placement before qualifying and I am pretty sure she hadn’t encountered real life hypomania before, I admitted to her that I had been having a mixed episode and was impulsive and intermittently suicidal, I was also a touch paranoid and probably digging my own grave because I kept insisting that despite all this I absolutely didn’t need to go to hospital and this was the reason I didn’t want to see my GP as she might not understand that. Unfortunately, she was also aware that by now I had acquired a stockpile of the medication I was refusing to take.
So, my therapist Fiona asked to break confidentiality and talk to my GP for me, I refused so she made me promise to make an appointment to see my GP straight away and phone my psychiatrist as I had emailed her but not heard back. I agreed
I tried to make the appointment because I promised I would, but my GP was away, so I decided the universe had spoken and went home and didn’t try to contact my psychiatrist again. The following week I was supposed to see Fiona again but my suicidal ideation had been replaced with happy/euphoric hypomania and I didn’t want to fess up to Fiona that I hadn’t seen my GP, called my shrink or made an appointment for either so I just cancelled my appointment with her and went on a shopping spree in IKEA instead…
Last week on Friday afternoon I got a phone call from Fiona, she had been worried because I had blown her off (which made me feel super guilty) and insisted that she contact my GP as her placement was nearly over and she didn’t want to leave things up in the air. I reluctantly agreed and then first thing on Monday morning I got a call from my GP which went a little bit like this:
Doc: Hi Kate… I got a call from Fiona and thought I should probably check in..
Me: I’m FINE, don’t worry, Fiona was just freaking out a bit because she’s not used to me being slightly elevated and so even though I am fine, I said she could talk to you since she’s leaving and I don’t want to turn her off therapy right at the end of her course because she’s really good at it! I was slightly suicidal a few weeks ago but really I am absolutely FINE now, feeling really good besides I…
Doc: *cutting me off* Can you come in this morning?
Me: No, I’ve got sick kids off school at home.
Doc: Hmm… Have you spoken to or seen your psychiatrist?
Me: I have my regular appointment tomorrow, I did try and e-mail her ages ago, but she didn’t reply…
Doc: Okay… Well, I’m next working Thursday, so I can make you an appointment right now, I have the book in front of me..
Me: Uh… I guess? I did want to talk to you about my sore back…
Doc: Okay, 1:30pm, I will see you then!
Me: yes doctor…
So, I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday, she hadn’t seen my email and felt really guilty about it, she told me in no uncertain terms that if she hasn’t responded within 24hrs she probably hasn’t got it and to call her. I just hate the thought of being a bother, I imagine she has plenty of other annoying clients! I was actually tempted to cancel the appointment because I didn’t want to be annoying.
I love my shrink because she knows how to relate to me and she’s funny, her first words were “I like your blue hair, any new tattoos?” I was telling her that my mood was wonderful and not currently disruptive because I was being productive and actually achieving things so I really, really didn’t want to be brought down, as I would say things and she’d grin at me and mumble comments like “pressured speech”, “flight of ideas”, “increased goal activity”, “magical thinking”. Yeah, yeah I admit I’m a touch elevated…
She always listens non-judgmentally to some of my more unusual thoughts on how the world works I wouldn’t admit in public, I guess she’s heard it all before. I did however get a stern, put the pen down on the paper “It is NOT okay to drive at 200kmp/h. Ever!” How rude. I have cat like reflexes!
Throughout my appointment she kept looking at me with slightly sad eyes, I’m not sure what that was all about, I didn’t ask, I have had that expression from her before once when I was deeply suicidal and I think she knew deep down she might not be able to save me.
She asked me to take my meds again, I told her I didn’t want to come down from this high, I didn’t want to be lowered to “normal” or worse. She doesn’t want me to be depressed either, but she insists that “normal” isn’t so bad once you are in it. I know that I have felt that way too, I have written notes to myself explaining that very thing, however when I look at them now I find it really hard to believe. We agreed on a half dose, she said to take twice a day, I will take it when my hypomania feels like its escalating over that fine little line, the one where I start thinking in rhyme and losing time. (hahaha) I have an appointment in December and I have to email her in between to let her know how I’m travelling (by car, mostly).
I want to be cooperative, but I really, really don’t want to lose this feeling. I am so terrified of becoming depressed again, I don’t think I can survive it again. Plus right now I am getting so much done, like finishing editing my memoir.
I feel like I’m like a reverse drug addict, one that is always high and needs to take something to come down again, but I don’t want to! I want to live in this hypomanic plane forever and ever, it’s my natural drug, it’s not illegal and it makes the world look so much more beautiful!
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