Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star

My nails are painted navy blue with silver sparkles, I had them done like that a few weeks ago to represent my connection with the universe that I felt so strongly at the time. Of all the billions of beautiful stars twinkling in the sky, we are right here, existing, living, such a small insignificant part of something so big yet we own our own little worlds.

I called them my galaxy nails.

While they were drying under the UV thingy I was absorbed in watching the energy molecules of life itself morph into shapes and jump and dance with glee, they had been around all morning but enhanced by the blue light, they frolicked in front of my eyes as though in a fourth dimension, one I can’t often see. I knew I was hallucinating but it was calm, pleasant, interesting even. We walked to the car, my sparkly nails, the energy molecules and I. I felt mildly dissociated from the earth but deeply connected to myself.

My mania has mostly fallen away this week, waves of suicidal depression that I can’t predict come and go and I am able to sit without my leg shaking, but my thoughts still race intermittently, and I have been having quite a lot of little ‘psychotic’ symptoms. I hate that word, makes me sound like I should be jumping out from behind a shower curtain with a knife.

These episodes don’t tend to last very long, a few hours max and for the most part I can still function normally on the outside. I usually get a dream/trance like warm, tingly ‘covering’ sensation first, (it’s hard to describe, dissociativy perhaps? Yes, I know that’s not a word.)

The world distorts slightly as though I am looking through someone else’s glasses. Oftentimes I keep having the same story run through my head in a telepathic manner, one of the voices that isn’t a voice tells it, it is about a golden asp and a prophecy that I must follow. I have heard it so many times now that it feels more like a memory and I’m a little concerned that I might actually enact it one day…

Other times I just become paranoid, A few days ago I became convinced for about 8 hours that there was a chip implanted in the back of my neck that was reading my thoughts and it was what was putting these telepathic voices into my head – I researched this possibility and discovered that I was not alone in my concerns and many other people were ‘victims’ as well, we were all trying to rationalize who and why – the results yielded the usual suspects, Big Pharma, The Illuminati, ASIO & the CIA etc, why was more of a mystery.

Luckily rather than being terrified crying in a corner it was more of a feeling of smugness like “Ha, gotchya!” But I nearly deleted my blog because of it, then I thought if I did that they would know that I was onto ‘them’ so I didn’t (thank goodness!) When Hubby got home, he said I seemed distant and because I was scared he was working undercover for the illusive ‘them’ (why on earth else would he stay with someone like me?) I assumed he could probably read my mind through the ‘chip’ so I said I had a headache and sang songs over and over again in my mind to “throw him off the trail” I eventually went to sleep that night and woke up feeling normal, real fears from the previous night now a distant thought to be scoffed at.

Another day this week I managed to convince myself that my family and my psychiatrist were involved in a trumanshow-esque conspiracy against me. Despite knowing logically that these concerns are bullshit, I am still just skeptical enough about it all to not mention them in any detail at this point in time… This one involved some research that could possibly, maybe be bordering on stalking which turned up a rather crazy coincidence that I am still trying to believe is just a coincidence.

I never used to get ‘visual’ hallucinations unless I was off the charts manic and then it was rare and they were mostly limited to shadow people or momentary and related to paranoia’s ie seeing police cars everywhere then I’d blink and they’d be gone. Recently though, objects seem to morph into things if I look at them for too long, shapes of static energy move past me and I can see the energy fields around everything whirling, dancing, even now as I type this. Am I hallucinating? Am I connecting with spirits? Do I just need glasses?

I don’t like it. I’m possibly still in the tail end of this mixed episode but I’m not full blown manic so why am I getting these symptoms? Part of me thinks I should really start taking those anti-psychotics again but that other slightly paranoid part of me just can’t bring myself to do it. What if? *sigh* What if…

Do you experience ‘psychotic’ symptoms?




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