It’s My Birthday & I’ll Cry if I Want To

All I can think about right now is death, specifically my death and how intensely I am yearning for it.

Christmas eve which we celebrate with hubby’s family and Christmas Day with mine both went well, I hosted for over 20 people and managed to pull it off, but on Christmas night after the last of the relatives left the farm, exhaustion set in and my false front crumbled into a river of unexplainable tears.

When I woke up on boxing day, hungover from a night of heavy sobbing, the black cloud had well and truly descended once again.

Today is my 33rd birthday and I can’t help but wish with my whole heart that I wasn’t here to have it. It’s 2:27 in the afternoon and I’m still in bed, hiding in the forgiving shadows of intermittent slumber.

I told the children that I have a headache and unplugged the phone when nobody was looking so I don’t have to deal with the phony well wishes doing the right thing. I’m not up for lying about how my day has been right now and God knows that they aren’t up for the truth.

I hate this, I hate what I have become.

Hubby knows that something is wrong but can’t seem to believe that even I don’t know exactly what it is, ‘they’, the ever esteemed ‘they’, now say ‘chemical imbalances’ are unproven bullshit, purely a notion supported by the drug companies set to make a dollar and yet my feelings have once again 180’d overnight, without any reason what so ever as to why. Yes, I’m tired, but do most tired people want to die? This is fucking ridiculous.

I feel like I am lost at sea, drowning in an endless ocean where the relentless tides are ever changing, filling me with hope only to drag me right back under again. Now I’m just floating, praying for the circling sharks to come and take me away.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

Self-Improvement

Be Positive. Focus, Thoughts & Mindset

The Hejhej blog

Another blog that you dont need

P r e t t y S a n e B l o g

Mental Health | Schizophrenia | Grief | Lifestyle

Bipolar On Fire

Bipolar On Fire.... Living my life on the edge... Trying not to crash and burn...

The Nerdy Lion

Lions can wear glasses too

I Am My Own Island

Because We all need to find a way to live with ourselves

Cyranny's Cove

Refuge of an assumed danophile...

Thriving Under Pressure

Positive Psychology & Stress Resilience

- Fighting the Good Fight -

Writer and Mental Health Blogger

The Smiles We Bear

The Smiles We Wear, Are The Burdens We Bear

Touching Madness

"A genius with an idiot's mind" ME

%d bloggers like this: