THE COLOUR OF MADNESS
A Blog About Living with Mental Illness
The War On Me
I wish I had the stamina to help people, I want so badly to inspire other people living with this damn illness. I want to show them how to get through those hard days, to demonstrate that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and make them believe that they will be okay.
Sure, I write a blog about my struggles and attempt to offer advice where I can and I have even written a memoir about my “journey” but the chances are that nobody will ever read it because nobody will want to publish it. Because you see, people want answers, they want to see deep struggles with happy endings, phoenixes that rise up and fly, not the chicken that simply burned up and crumbled to dust.
I want to be an advocate for people like me but how can I ever be a beacon of hope when I am still trapped in thoughts, continuously reminded that when you close the final chapter of my book I am still far from “cured”, “healed” or recovered. Calling myself an advocate makes me feel like a complete hypocrite.
Catch me in the beginning of a hypomania and I can inspire you into next year with y positive attitude, ideas and boundless energy. But the law of the swings and roundabouts that governs my bipolar disorder ensures that no matter how good things are going un my mind, I will eventually be thrown back onto the floor begging for the mercy of death.
The saddest truth is that my battle is far from over, the prospect of winning the ‘War On Me’ is about as likely as the government winning the War On Drugs. Sure there are periods of normalcy between episodes, but with age and the battle for the ‘right’ medication, they seem to only have become more fleeting.
I see so many people with bipolar writing books that are heart-warming and inspirational and I want to be that person for people, yet maybe I will have to just accept there is no happy ending to my story, perhaps simply an honest “I’m doing okay at this exact moment” is the best I am going to be able to offer my readers.
My life will still be filled with up’s and down’s, the bipolar doesn’t magically disappear at the end of my final chapter. Mental illness is simply a part of my world, but it’s a world I am slowly learning to live within and thanks to the people around me, the strangers on the internet sharing their own stories that are so very similar to my own, I feel accepted and validated and far from alone, it certainly makes this strange world of mental illness easier to navigate.
*After writing (but before publishing) this post I saw a Tweet link to a post by the wonderful Sheila aka ( @paradichotomy ) who blogs brilliantly over at http://www.paralleldichotomy.com
The post is called “A Reflection On Advocacy” on the same subject matter, she wrote about it in a super inspirational way and made me feel a ton better (thank you Sheila!)
8 Comments on “The War On Me”
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THE COLOUR OF MADNESS 
I’m learning that people like to know they’re not alone in what they go through, and that provides hope in itself. The best advocate is someone who can relate, who has life experience and who is real – makes you a perfect advocate!
I’ll have a read of Sheila’s post too. Thanks for sharing.
You’re doing an awesome job xx
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Thank you Kat xx
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thanks for blogging about your ongoing journey.. to know that youre still going is an encouragement and gives hope, to help people who struggle to keep going too.. you dont have to be published or be on the conference circuit to help people, even if your blog reaches a smaller number of people, those people got helped, and i think thats worth it
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It’s true, even having a positive effect on just one person makes it all worth while, thank you for reading! xx
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Hey you! I understand where you’re coming from. I do.
First off, do NOT give up on getting your memoir published. It took me years to get to that point and you’re so freaking-ass talented/gifted as a writer (WAY more than I am, but since I think you’re awesome, I’m okay with that, LOL!) I know it would happen if you don’t give up. As you know, you have to go through rejections. I still hate New Harbinger for rejecting my proposal! Those shits! Especially when they publish some really lame titles! No, I’m not bitter! 😉
At the end of my memoir, I didn’t want to state that everything was just great. Without naming names, I alluded to how I don’t speak to close family members. At the time of writing the last chapter, things were a shitload better in my life but stlll hard (since I was no longer acutely suicidal or living in psych units) — but I hope I didn’t come off as too “Pollyanna”!
After I saw your tweet about Sheila’s post, I read it too and I related to her thoughts as well.
Anyway, I could ramble on but I’ll spare you! Honestly, do not give up on that memoir you’ve written. If I come across any cool publishers I’m going to message you. As far as my publisher goes, um, I wouldn’t refer anyone to them in good conscience. But that’s a story for another day….
XOXOX
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Lol Dyane, no you didn’t come off “Pollyanna” at all! Your book was just the right combination of struggle and inspirational recovery. Thanks for all of your support, encouragement and tips re the memoir too, I really appreciate it!
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I think advocacy is much more about being real than about being well. Most of us with mental illness know that things are never going to be all sunshine and rainbows and happy endings, and the more people are willing to talk about the reality of mental illness the better. I’d say if anything not having a neat and tidy happy ending makes you a better advocate rather than an invalid one.
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I guess the people that I have related to the most are the ones I have found more helpful too… Thank you 🙂 xx
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