Fear of the Known

Last night something changed. Dramatically, suddenly, with no particular trigger. I vaguely remember that I walked out of the room and then the depression faded to black with the light switch. I felt it wash away from me.

The internal trembling in my chest picked up pace, my eyes became clear, thoughts, words, songs and ideas started coming then played over and over in a nonsensical loop in my mind, faster and faster. I was aware of myself bouncing my knee, tripping over my words and giggling too much about trivial comments my husband was making.

Sleep was slow to come, but it finally did, and I woke with the energy of 1000 jack rabbits at 5am on the dot, I haven’t woken of my own accord before 9:00 in over a month. Still trembling, mind still racing.

Anxiety? Maybe.

Hypomania? Well I did dedicate a decent portion of last nights Insomnia to redesigning the landscaping plan for my back yard to include a pool, cabana, spa, tennis court and archery range…

I don’t know.

My psychiatrist appointment is today.
I love my shrink, I’ve mentioned this before, she looks exactly like a young Meryl Streep, elegant with perfect poise and she always knows exactly the right thing to say.

In the end I sent her The Letter, she replied quickly. Her response was of course, perfect, she’s so professional, so good at what she does, I guess this is why she’s booked out 12 months in advance.

But despite her awesomeness, today I am afraid.
I am afraid because I know that medication is going to be coming next. What else is there? Aside from ECT, but, and I mean no offence as I know some of you guys have had success with it – I would rather be eaten alive by fire ants and you will under no circumstances voluntarily drag me into that procedure EVER, and if it’s done to me involuntarily like that DARLING psychiatrist in the hospital threatened me so kindly with, then I will kill myself very violently and publicly purely out of principle making damn sure to get my reasons broadcast on every news channel in the process!!
Okay, deep breath, sorry I will get off my soap box, yeah so I’m not an ECT fan. And really not a fan of being threatened.

Where was I? So I suppose my fear is that this morning will be my last few hours of having an unpolluted mind. Which sounds ridiculous considering the torment it throws at me on a daily basis.

But you see, in all of it’s confused muddled up glory I still have my clarity, the kind of clarity one can only possibly understand the value of if they too have ceased mind altering medications and felt it return. That clarity, purity, pulled as if by strings from the distance, the clarity you hadn’t realised you had even lost until you found it again.
It’s like a drug, the best drug in the world.
That feeling as the last of my prescription had dissolved and clarity seeped back into my body, it was so, I don’t know, honest? Real? Like part of my soul came home and I promised myself never to hold it back again.

I can hear what your thinking. They’re just meds Kate, millions of people take them. You’ve taken plenty of them in the past, you need to take them again you crazy idiot, you know you do!

As fucked up as I am, as much as I just don’t know how to survive right now. Even without little voices that aren’t voices whispering that they will kill me if I dare to pop a tablet in my mouth…

To go back to that medication fog? To choose a life of dullness and side effects, to squash down a part of myself feels unthinkable, like I am murdering my truth, and that seems so much more unforgivable than just murdering myself.

Even when it seems denying medication comes at the ultimate price, it’s just easier for me to accept, it’s easier to believe that maybe, just maybe that really is how it is meant to be.

7 Comments on “Fear of the Known

  1. This post hits me really hard because it is so close to home for me. I have lost so much of myself due to my medication, and I have paid the ultimate price. For a long time, I denied medication mainly because of that clarity you spoke of, and even though whatever clarity I may feel these days are from a medicated haze, I have come to terms that this is the life I have to live.

    I made the mistake years ago, by going to a psychiatrist for help, and I was unlucky enough to get some quack, who didn’t give a shit, just throw pills at me; pills that forever altered my brain chemistry, (in my opinion anyway). I say that because after taking those pills, I experienced the type of crazy mania that gets people hospitalized. Never had I experienced dangerous mania like that in my life, before I took those pills. So in essence, the pills destroyed my life and made me forever dependent on them, because when I tried to get off of them, the crazy mania came back on its own, years later, and I ended up in a horrible hospital psych ward yet again.

    The point is, even though I hate medication with a passion, because of what happened to my brain because of them, I have now accepted that I need them. I am in fear of psychosis, a reality I never had before taking pills. As much as I want to sit here and say that medication is devil to me, I am person who doesn’t have a choice. You still have a choice.

    This comment wasn’t meant to scare you from taking medication, you have the advantage of a wonderful psychiatrist whom you trust, who won’t do what that quack did to me. So when discussing what route to take with her, be extra vigilant in finding out exactly what it is you will be popping in your mouth every day.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have wondered if the meds I was on in the beginning made my mania worse too, although it was the more psychotic style issues that prompted me to actually get a diagnosis in the first place so I don’t know if it was just a natural progression of the illness , every time I go off them I have relapsed within a few months and the relapses are getting worse. I just hate being a zombie, I can’t learn new things, I am emotionally numb, just a shell. Makes me think I’d rather live a short full life than a long one in an endless fog… Sorry I’m being really negative, will see what she says I guess! xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • I can empathize, and I actually know EXACTLY what you’re talking about and feeling. I am probably going to write about it a bit tonight, but I hope the appointment went well!


  2. I hope it went well with your psychiatrist (she does sound incredible) & I can’t wait to hear how things turned out. I’m SO GLAD you sent her the letter & I’m pleased she replied quickly!

    And no worries about the ECT – I understand! Oh yes- on Twitter, there’s no image that accompanies to the tweet of this post like there usually is – I want to retweet it with the image (since “THEY” in studies that say more people read tweets with images! Duh, I could tell you that!) I have a feeling you’ll retweet it & just wanted to let you know about the image issue.

    BIG ((((HUGS)))) to you!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Well written, I can really relay to the feelings that you are describing. I’ve just written an article on meds, if you care to take a look it. Hopefully, you had a good session with your doctor.
    All the best

    Liked by 1 person

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