This is really silly. You know those little comments someone makes, someone you trust and think knows you, those little comments that make you wonder if they have understood anything you have been saying to them at all? Ever?
I know I am being WAY over sensitive here, but a tiny thing my shrink said with the intention of being nice at the end of our last session which must have really upset me because 5 days later it’s still playing on my mind. It was an exhausting session that I wrote a bit about here . She knew I was drained and then right at the end she simply remarked “you should go and get yourself some coffee and cake now, you’ve earned it”.
Now that’s a nice thing to say, right? Well, for most people, yes. For me, not so much – particularly coming from her.
She knows about my eating disorder but I guess it’s not really been our strongest focus at any point – mostly because I haven’t been ready to tackle it and also don’t get to see her very often as she’s a very hard to get into psychiatrist and when I do see her she’s usually trying to talk me down off of the cliff or off of the walls depending on where my Bipolar is at the time. Most of the ED work I have done was with a therapist.
So maybe I have never explained to her how deeply this affects me? I kind of thought she got it – I mean she has personally had her leg in a walking boot twice in the last few years because she is aggravating a stress fracture by insisting on running on it when she shouldn’t have; there’s something in that.
So anyway, in my fragile state that little statement of intended goodwill instantly made me want to sink into the floor and drown in a puddle of my own blood. It felt like she didn’t know me after all.
Eating cake is absolutely the last thing that was going to make me feel better, cake feels like my Kryptonite I have eaten four slices of cake in the last two years and the guilt trip accompanying three of those slices has made me deathly suicidal. The fourth slice was eaten under extreme duress last week the day before this appointment and I was still waiting for the fallout as Bel (ED entity/voice/alter/idk wtf she is) was thankfully yet to appear from her mysterious 4 month hibernation void to chastise me and M saying the word “cake” out loud felt akin to three bloody Mary’s in front of a mirror. DO NOT SUMMON THE DEMON!
As she had spoken I was in the middle of trying to disguise the fact that I had been ugly crying for the last hour so that I could leave the room and all I could say in retaliation was “Yeah I hardly think that will help anything” then she seemed to click but rather than apologise she tried to justify it scientifically by saying “no really, you could use the blood sugar boost right now, your levels would be depleted, it’s not going to hurt you”.
I didn’t know what to say so rather than tell her where she could shove her fucking cake, I just fake smiled without looking at her and said “I don’t think I’m up for letting that particular demon loose right now”.
Do you think I should talk to her about this in our session tomorrow or just let it go?
It seems SO stupid, I mean she was just trying to be nice for Gods sakes so why am I being so sensitive?
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