THE COLOUR OF MADNESS
A Blog About Living with Mental Illness
Big Baby in the Big Smoke
I’m in Sydney for the night, had to take mum to a specialist this arvo so we decided to stay the night in Manly. So it’s 10:35 on a Monday night and I’m currently sitting alone in a bar after gambling away $120. It just took me 20 seconds to down a rum & coke that cost me $9. How’s your day going?
I’ve been pitifully depressed recently, which has coincided with what feels like the busiest week in history, people keep being nice to me and taking me places and Im feeling like an ungrateful cow about it, Im even struggling to pretend to enjoy myself.
It’s just sad and pathetic really, don’t worry, I can’t stand the sight of myself either, I haven’t even been reading blogs this week.
The fact that I’ve also had a shitty headache for three days which only finally lifted this evening hasn’t helped, the depression at least has also eased along with it – with the help of a pina colada and an assortment of painkillers.
After dinner I finally felt like being somewhere other than hiding under a blanket dreaming up new and improved ways to die, mum was tired and ready for bed, so rather than call it a night myself, I did what any reasonable person would do, I ditched mum at the hotel and went out alone.
So what does one do on her own on a balmy Monday night in Manly? Well there isn’t a whole lot of options really, Im not one for moonlight beach frolicking, well not by myself anyway, so I wandered around, spotted a pub with pokies and against my better judgement decided to get drunk and blow some money I don’t have.
I think I like being drunk alone, well not quite drunk, pleasantly buzzed. I do wish I’d brought my laptop here though, writing on my phone is a real pain in the ass.
It’s nice not having any responsibility for a few hours, right now I’m not a mother, not a daughter, not a wife, just a person with nobody to answer to but myself, I like it.
6 Comments on “Big Baby in the Big Smoke”
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THE COLOUR OF MADNESS 
Well good to hear that you are without responsibility and making the most of it all. If any consolation? Manly in the late 60’s was just as drab as it appears to be now 🙂
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Lol, I hadn’t been to Manly since I was a kid and couldn’t remember it. I’m in that awkward age group where I am a bit too old for night clubbing and way too young for bingo… Good music in a pub is more my speed these days, just hard to find on a Monday night!
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Maybe it’s just the lighting but is that salmon pink walls in the bar? What a perfect place to be responsibility-free!
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Lol, they were actually white (I checked in the morning!)
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Awww … I wish I knew you. I wish I could help. I wish I could do something, anything. I just read a lovely piece and in it, it said, “Tomorrow is another day with no mistakes in it”. I like that. I guess it’s about starting a new day and the slate is already clean for you … it’s just up to you to keep it that way. Just for the day. For me it helps because every day I battle with staying off the booze and in finding and sticking to good habits. It’s seriously hard though! Great that you’re somewhere free of responsibility though. Of course, there’s still just that responsibility to ourselves. Good luck! Have fun ☀️☀️☀️
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Thank you, I like thinking of tomorrow’s as clean slates too. xx
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