Dear Mr 14…

Mr 15 has had a phone for a year, no dramas. He exchanges house work for credit and I can contact him in an emergency. Perfect. Mr 14 just got his first mobile phone, but unfortunately he is now using it to ring or message me All. The. Fucking. Time. Which could be looked at as a sweet thing, except for the fact that it is always just so that he can complain about something beyond my control or tell on his siblings.

Bloody technology. I used to have school hours off from all the fighting and incessant tattle tailing that comes with the territory of having a large quantity of offspring. Now I find that I am being constantly interrupted with it during my pre-determined hours of sanity finding, in real time and with no regard for whether I’m driving, at the psychiatrist or folding the endless pile of  washing.


Dear Mr 14,

To be honest with you, between 8am and 4pm I don’t give a flying fuck what Miss 8 said or Mr 12 did that wronged you, unless of course you are in hospital on life support – but I am quite sure that the school will be sure to contact me if this is ever the case.

I understand that you felt whatever the sibling in question did to you was an absolutely terrible misconduct of justice, but I am quite positive that you fully delighted in telling them that you would “Call Mum” and tell on them.

Son, I really would prefer to wait to hear about the woes of your day in full technicolour detail until the second you all descend bickering and screeching from the steps of the bus; like I have done every single day for the last 10 years.   

School hours are MY regroup time – which I need in order to try and remember how much I actually do love you kiddies without being unceremoniously interrupted by fighting, screaming and complaining every five minutes. I use this time wisely to catch up on housework, grocery shop, fuck around on the internet and generally beat back the burning desire to change my name and run away to a tropical island. Believe me, that can be hard enough at the best of times without being constantly nagged!

So, I love you darling, but kindly fuck off between 8 & 4 or I will be forced to block your number or smash your phone with a large hammer.

Love always, Mum


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