Craving Pain

Walking past the piercing place I paused for a second, muttered ‘fuck it’ to myself and went in. I so welcomed the bite of the piercing gun on my earlobe in that moment, it didn’t really hurt enough to satisfy my sudden deep longing for pain, but it was socially acceptable, I couldn’t get a new tattoo right now and it was better than having to try and explain away another self-harm scar.

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At least it was enough to bring the level of dissociation I was reaching down a notch. I was now more aware of my surroundings, there were suddenly other three-dimensional people walking around the mall, shopping, laughing, living. They were now more than just a distant blurry backdrop that they had seemed like minutes earlier, they were real and so was I.

The urge to hurt myself was once only related to my eating disorder, mostly punishment for eating the ‘wrong’ thing, too much of something or just because I felt ‘fat’ that day.  The scars that were left were supposed to be reminders to make better choices. Nowadays, when someone comments on all the burn scars on my arms I will laugh them off with a quip about being a terrible cook or how the fireplace bites. Never have I told anyone that each mark holds its own story, its own reminder of where I failed at life.

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It has been creeping up on me more and more lately, the urge to hurt myself. Luckily for the most part I have been able to stop quickly, distracting myself with various things; but it has just been getting harder and harder. My reasons are different now, it’s not punishment so to speak, though God knows I feel like I deserve it, its more that I feel so detached from the world at times that pain seems to be the only thing that can ground me again, the only thing that proves that I’m not dreaming.

 

4 Comments on “Craving Pain

  1. I can identify with this because I remember a time where I felt the “pinch me please to see if I’m awake,” came in a form of self-harm much in the same way you describe. I did a lot of unhealthy things to hurt myself too, (casual degrading sex, alcohol abuse, binge eating), but I know that the only thing that got me through something like that, was to push myself to FEEL by doing things that I love. I know when you are in the grips of a state like this it is hard to find self-compassion for yourself, but honestly giving yourself what you give to others, (your amazing warmth, caring and wisdom), is truly the path to escaping this feeling that you have. Have you talked to a stranger lately? (Remember that wonderful post a while back?) Maybe just connecting and putting a face to those 3D figures that barely come into focus will help soothe you.

    I am and always will be rooting for you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, for getting it, for supporting me – it means the world. Last night I suddenly started to feel again, everything at once rushed in to become a wondrous euphoria, I was beyond this world encompassed within the ecstasy of existence. No rhyme or reason for it but the flip of some cosmic switch… I know it could be temporary, or the sign of something sinister to come, I know I should be wary, but I just crave it so… the flood of this natural drug overcoming me and seeping into my cells… You understand…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh I totally understand! And would you believe I am in the similar euphoric state? Wouldn’t it be fantastical that this wonderful feeling has connected us across the oceans? I don’t know what it is, or why it happened today, but for me too, I sat outside in the sun, for what seemed like hours, and was completely overtaken by that same cosmic ecstasy of existence. Maybe its a coincidence, maybe its because the weather is unseasonably warm in February for New York, I don’t know, but I am right there with you, walking right beside you, in this time of long overdue bliss. Love and light be with us in this moment. ❤

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  2. Hugs. It’s such a rollercoaster, and I hope this feeling of bliss lasts longer than the feeling of dissociation. Soak it up, because whatever happens next will happen whether you’ve been wary or not hey! We just try to be aware of the signs of crashing so we cna try to minimise the damage so to speak. I think you’re amazing. xx

    Liked by 1 person

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