*The air around me is literally sparkling, I can see every molecule that makes up existence itself dancing and fizzing around me. There are so many dimensions 5,6,7,8,9 I don’t even know, they appear infinite and yet structured, moving in strange patterns of planned pathways and calculated twists and turns. It’s a wondrous and enchanting sensation.
Shadowy figures move silently amidst the once stagnant air and the molecules seamlessly detour around them, their existence is on another plane, yet it is momentarily visible within my own. I breathe in allowing the life to flow into my lungs as the words of Shakespeare ring loud in my head only now heard for the first time. Oh, what beauty and wonder can be installed into our minds through these glorious, glorious words!
“…Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep;
To sleep, perchance to dream- ay, there’s the rub:
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come, …” William Shakespear
Words of a poet, a dreamer, a man who perhaps saw what I too, can now see, that the dreams of death are but the woken dalliances of life and that the dreams of life are but a glimpse at the eternity we have created unto ourselves through perception and weighing conscience. Buzzing with euphoric awakening anything is possible and I am inspired to write this version of my own sordid demise in the darkness…
Romanticised by seductive whispers of death,
I will lay upon the sodden ground,
In the mornings amber hue.
Promises of pains cessation and
Liberation from this troubled mind beguiling as
Notions of an unending dream befall me.
And as the sands of time gradually cease to fall,
The voices of angels carried by the winds call to me,
And beckon me to follow them home.
And in the quiet dawn,
As my open veins release their final crimson droplet unto the earth below,
My souls, cleansed from sin,
May return from whence they came.
Void at last of the sadness and sorrow that binds them in this life,
To now stand alone,
Unburdened from the heavy chains of expectance and will,
They fly now, into that once vacant abyss, free.
Oh yes, the sacred nirvana one feels when imagining a complete control over ones own end is so morbidly enchanting! In particular when the world has become once more an intoxicating frenzy of stimulation that in its amplitude, wholesome death serves to remind us of eternities sheer vastness…
But for now, I must rest, sleep to the soothing sounds of lyrical brilliance, before the fanciful blur of my most wishful dreams and the enticing call of visible existence threaten to remove me entirely and permanently from this realm and into their own.
*I apparently wrote this late last night, or possibly early this morning… I found it open on the ‘notes’ section of my phone so I’m posting it. I do remember becoming suddenly very wildly optimistic yesterday evening after I started to write a blog entry about my thoughts on gun control (I just reviewed it and its over 4000 words and quite scattered so I will have to do a fair bit of editing before posting it, if I do) I also made the family a lasagna from scratch for dinner and I recall having a shower for the first time in days, ‘seeing’ air molecules and feeling as though I was flowing as part of the water and then having mind-blowing sex…
Not sure if this is random hypomania or if it will turn into something? I’ve been so depressed lately that to wake up this morning at 5am feeling inspired and well rested is actually incredibly welcome… I’ll have to keep an eye on it but as I’m not currently hallucinating I will just see where it takes me…
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Struggling with mental health, I was sat on a psych ward and inspired to start my very own blog! So here we are, welcome to life’s in the eyes of lauren where I’ll be tackling difficult topics and sharing my personal experiences, mainly focusing on mental health but also social services, the care system, living away from my biological family, school struggles and just life in general! i am writing to help poeple, if that means ive helped one person, ive achieved my goal. I hope you enjoy reading, Good Vibes Only xoxo