This is coming out all wrong in my head, jumbled, I don’t know what to say next. I just needed to write something, try and work out the feelings that I can’t discuss, that I can’t even put into black and white for fear of their discovery at a later stage…
I did something bad. I crossed a moral line and I can’t actually write about it completely honestly here and tell you what I did because of the implications if the person involved ever ended up reading this. Maybe I need to start a “things to delete from the blog if I ever actually publish my book” category so that I can actually find all these things I need to potentially get rid of later.
What I can say, is that the level of this coincidence shit has just hit a new “What the actual fuck?!” Critical high point. I’m fucking shaking right now because I want to talk about this, I’m confused as hell and I want to try and find a reasonable and logical explanation for it all-but I can’t. There isn’t one. The world is small, so fucking small, crazy freaking impossibly small since the birth of the interwebs, but it’s not that small.
Someone is fucking with me. They have to be.
Do you ever wonder if you are going to look around one day and the cardboard moon falls out of the sky and you discover that you have actually been on the set of the Truman show the whole time, that that movie was made just to throw you off track and the reason for all the fucking crazy coincidences is that “They” have finally run out of set extra’s and new ideas? I mean, really, how many things can happen to one person? I feel like I’m living the life of a fictional character – too many things, too many!
It’s not because I’m ‘manic’ or ‘paranoid’ because, is it even paranoia if they are out to get you? If it’s absolutely unequivocally real? I mean I have photographic evidence of some of this strange shit, I could fucking prove it in a court of law if I had to!
I don’t believe in this stuff. So why is it happening? I know plenty of people out there who don’t believe in things that are definitely happening – evolution for example – but there is wilful ignorance built from hope and then there is the “It doesn’t make scientific sense and I want to understand it” coupled with the fear that everything you have ever believed in is wrong and the universe is just taking the piss.
What does writing this, do for that? I mean some of the things I have said over the years that could be taken out of context would surely have me sitting on some sort of government watch-list for sure *waves to all the hardworking people at ASIO*. Now I write things like this and they get brought up in court later and I am deemed “Crazy”. But is it crazy when you have proof? I’m not a bad person, I have done bad things (obviously) but I’m not evil, I promise! I know I freaked out people a long, long time ago when I overstepped by talking too much and said out loud that I could understand why those Columbine kids did what they did, this was back when I myself was in year 8 being bullied relentlessly. But just because I could understand it didn’t mean that I condoned it. There is a big difference, BIG FUCKING DIFFERENCE MRS S! – I remember the look you gave me when I told you that, you were scared of me for a moment, I had never ever shown you any reason to fear me, I never even spoke out of turn to you. I’m a lover, not a fighter and I like to think that I would never ever hurt someone other than myself intentionally – I just understood how someone who had been tormented could become so angry and so jaded with their tormentors that they decided to act out – but it was a statement of empathy not sociopathy. People don’t always distinguish that difference and even though she knew by my nature that I only ever opened my mouth to change feet, Mrs S never looked at me the same way again.
Now I have overstepped again, no it has absolutely NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with violence of any kind, no one is in physical danger here – I feel the need to say that because of the previous paragraph – which is actually unrelated completely except for the fact that I overstepped… This time I utilised the resources available to me to investigate something I had no business investigating and I knew I shouldn’t have done what I did as I was doing it, but I did it anyway, I ate the metaphorical apple and now I have seen too much, I know too much, it’s not my place, not my right but I can’t un-see it, I can’t un-know it and then the universe threw it right back in my face in the next paragraph. Karma. A reminder of where I came from, a reminder of where all this started how far I’ve come and how far I’ve fallen.
Oh yes Karma is alive and well, dressed as a Golden Asp and strangling me with its temptation and wrath. I helped an old lady yesterday and was rewarded for this when I got home and had news of something I had been hoping for. But today I broke that Karmic piggy bank, dropped it off a cliff and smashed it to smithereens in fact – all because of doing this bad, bad thing and now I don’t know what happens next because I am the only person that knows and it can safely die with me and yet I’m haunted by the fact that for the rest of my days I will be forced into telling a ‘truth’ that is clouded by the white lies of omission to somebody I have never lied to before.
What you don’t know, can’t hurt you. Right?