THE COLOUR OF MADNESS
A Blog About Living with Mental Illness
Black and White Lies
This is coming out all wrong in my head, jumbled, I don’t know what to say next. I just needed to write something, try and work out the feelings that I can’t discuss, that I can’t even put into black and white for fear of their discovery at a later stage…
I did something bad. I crossed a moral line and I can’t actually write about it completely honestly here and tell you what I did because of the implications if the person involved ever ended up reading this. Maybe I need to start a “things to delete from the blog if I ever actually publish my book” category so that I can actually find all these things I need to potentially get rid of later.
What I can say, is that the level of this coincidence shit has just hit a new “What the actual fuck?!” Critical high point. I’m fucking shaking right now because I want to talk about this, I’m confused as hell and I want to try and find a reasonable and logical explanation for it all-but I can’t. There isn’t one. The world is small, so fucking small, crazy freaking impossibly small since the birth of the interwebs, but it’s not that small.
Someone is fucking with me. They have to be.
Do you ever wonder if you are going to look around one day and the cardboard moon falls out of the sky and you discover that you have actually been on the set of the Truman show the whole time, that that movie was made just to throw you off track and the reason for all the fucking crazy coincidences is that “They” have finally run out of set extra’s and new ideas? I mean, really, how many things can happen to one person? I feel like I’m living the life of a fictional character – too many things, too many!
It’s not because I’m ‘manic’ or ‘paranoid’ because, is it even paranoia if they are out to get you? If it’s absolutely unequivocally real? I mean I have photographic evidence of some of this strange shit, I could fucking prove it in a court of law if I had to!
BUT…
I don’t believe in this stuff. So why is it happening? I know plenty of people out there who don’t believe in things that are definitely happening – evolution for example – but there is wilful ignorance built from hope and then there is the “It doesn’t make scientific sense and I want to understand it” coupled with the fear that everything you have ever believed in is wrong and the universe is just taking the piss.
What does writing this, do for that? I mean some of the things I have said over the years that could be taken out of context would surely have me sitting on some sort of government watch-list for sure *waves to all the hardworking people at ASIO*. Now I write things like this and they get brought up in court later and I am deemed “Crazy”. But is it crazy when you have proof? I’m not a bad person, I have done bad things (obviously) but I’m not evil, I promise! I know I freaked out people a long, long time ago when I overstepped by talking too much and said out loud that I could understand why those Columbine kids did what they did, this was back when I myself was in year 8 being bullied relentlessly. But just because I could understand it didn’t mean that I condoned it. There is a big difference, BIG FUCKING DIFFERENCE MRS S! – I remember the look you gave me when I told you that, you were scared of me for a moment, I had never ever shown you any reason to fear me, I never even spoke out of turn to you. I’m a lover, not a fighter and I like to think that I would never ever hurt someone other than myself intentionally – I just understood how someone who had been tormented could become so angry and so jaded with their tormentors that they decided to act out – but it was a statement of empathy not sociopathy. People don’t always distinguish that difference and even though she knew by my nature that I only ever opened my mouth to change feet, Mrs S never looked at me the same way again.
Now I have overstepped again, no it has absolutely NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with violence of any kind, no one is in physical danger here – I feel the need to say that because of the previous paragraph – which is actually unrelated completely except for the fact that I overstepped… This time I utilised the resources available to me to investigate something I had no business investigating and I knew I shouldn’t have done what I did as I was doing it, but I did it anyway, I ate the metaphorical apple and now I have seen too much, I know too much, it’s not my place, not my right but I can’t un-see it, I can’t un-know it and then the universe threw it right back in my face in the next paragraph. Karma. A reminder of where I came from, a reminder of where all this started how far I’ve come and how far I’ve fallen.
Oh yes Karma is alive and well, dressed as a Golden Asp and strangling me with its temptation and wrath. I helped an old lady yesterday and was rewarded for this when I got home and had news of something I had been hoping for. But today I broke that Karmic piggy bank, dropped it off a cliff and smashed it to smithereens in fact – all because of doing this bad, bad thing and now I don’t know what happens next because I am the only person that knows and it can safely die with me and yet I’m haunted by the fact that for the rest of my days I will be forced into telling a ‘truth’ that is clouded by the white lies of omission to somebody I have never lied to before.
What you don’t know, can’t hurt you. Right?
10 Comments on “Black and White Lies”
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THE COLOUR OF MADNESS 
I’m sorry you’re having hard times. Things have been documentedly, insanely, WTF level for pretty much everyone for maybe ten years or so. Best wishes to us all–
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awww your in a dilemma for sure hun. I dont know what to tell you, but I am sorry this is happening! It must feel awful to know something and not to be able to share it? xo
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Thank you xoxo
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Hun not to be critical or invalidating at all, and not questioning that the coincidences are actually happening, but it does sound like you’re getting manic.
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❤️❤️❤️
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At what point does concern of something that comes into your awareness become ‘mania’ and not just you ‘figuring it all out’ so to speak, does voicing an opinion make it different to thinking it… I feel like this is coming across as argumentative, I don’t mean it that way at all, Im just genuinely curious about what the line is because there are so many things that seem to make sense because perhaps, they are being thought about in a different way at the moment, but does that make it bad or less important to think them? Taking medication, is that something that just shuts us up and quietens us down so that we don’t think too much or question too much? But what is the truth, they say that nothing matters if it isn’t negatively impacting your life and if I keep these things to myself (yeah, yeah and the whole wide internet) then people don’t know and they can’t judge – if its the judgement of others that causes that negative impact then isn’t that more their problem than mine? This is coming out wrong, I just wrote a thing and its on my mind so this reply accidentally relates more to that than the blog post you are actually replying to, but of course you haven’t read it yet so you are probably wondering what the heck I am talking about. I know I’m getting ‘elevated’ but I guess I’m really asking if it actually matters, if it’s not broken don’t fix it, so how do you tell when it is actually broken not just bent?
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What stands out for me is how intensely drawn into it you seem to be, and also your writing is a little less organized than it usually is. If it stays at ‘elevated’ then it’s all good, but there’s always the risk that it ends up going beyond that. If you’re aware you’re elevated that’s a really good thing. It’s probably also good to have someone you’re checking in with to help you catch it if things do start heading out of control. ❤️
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Well hell I’m curious and wanna know what you are talking about, manic or not. I maybe heading that way myself because I seem to want to instigate shit. Not with you but I can feel myself wanting to get into trouble.
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Ha!!! Yes, wanting to instigate shit! I think its like a curiosity control thing with me at the moment. I want to KNOW everything so I can control the outcome. The world is just a chess game LOL. I’m just about to put up another post which will probably cost me followers but I’m in a “Fuck it… ‘Post’.” kinda mood.
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I’m not going anywhere!
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