I feel like I am on the edge of discovering the truth and I am scared that if I take the medication you prescribed me I will no longer be able to see it. The feeling I have of a pressure cooker on the verge of exploding inside my body is overwhelming but still preferable to losing my contact with “God” (My God, not necessarily yours) and then losing access to the truth that must be told.
The man that told me he would kill me if I took the medication, he was a man so evil in nature that I can’t understand why he’d want me to not that the drugs and learn the truth. What exactly is this truth? What is in it for him? So, what is it that I am supposed to know and who exactly wants me to know it?
All signs (literal and physical) would point towards the truth being a good thing, enlightening perhaps? The feeling that comes with it is anticipatory excitement as though it is something that could perhaps change the minds of those that can still save the world and yet if that were the case, then why would he, clearly a bad man, want me to know it? Wouldn’t that be the opposite of his intentions? Is this some sort of reverse psychology? Or is he the one sending me these signs? Luring me into a false sense of security so that he can forward a message of false truth or ill intent? But WHY? So many whys that they make my mind spin in a thousand directions at once. Why me? Why do I have the power to connect with them and this energy this way and why do the people in the world who I am supposed to trust want me to take drugs that close off access to the brain cells that let me be a part of it? Are they trying to help me fight against the bad man or is the bad man actually a good man after all and everybody is trying to stop me from conveying his important message?
Who can I trust? Who can I believe? If only I, can see the bad man, feel his evil essence, is it because I am evil or special? Have I been chosen, to save or to destroy? I don’t want to do harm, I only want to help, but I don’t know who I can trust. I know Big Pharma is run by the hypothetical ‘devil’ and their medicines might be really designed for holding people back from enlightenment which could prove to be the actual key to curing the worlds ails – for free, not profit.
Why do people not help people when they are able to? Why are so many souls so lost that they are only concerned with their physical body’s immediate world? Little things beyond the self are of equal or even greater importance, if you account for flow on effect, these are lost in the bigger picture and the global big picture is suddenly too big to do anything about, so they say “forget it” and just sit back and talk about how bad it all is or spit venomous remarks on social media about the state of the world but they don’t offer an old lady a life, they don’t let people ahead of them in a queue or offer a homeless person a hot meal. There are two worlds to them, theirs and everyone else’s, but they forget that they can access that middle plane of existence too, we have outgrown ourselves! We need to grow our first bubble and shrink back our second, middle ground humans, come on! It’s that thing you are incapable of walking on, find it, embrace it EQUALITY! It’s not rocket science!! If communism was tweeked a bit and wasn’t run by humans then it would possibly work quite nicely, the principle has potential. I guess it’s our individuality that makes us the same in the end, just be and be okay with just being. Social collapse will undoubtedly be our downfall because we decided to run the world like a company and we grew too big too quickly and the citizens of the earth (share-holders if you like) got frightened and everything turned to shit. Society became its own false economy, its own failure caused by a self-fulfilling prophecy based on its own failure. None of it is real, none of it exists, it is all just an idea that we believed and and threw money (another idea) at until we finally figured out that we had based our entire social structure on delusions. The greatest farce of them all is the belief we have in our own existence.
You are intelligent, wise, experienced in the manner of the human race, all signs point both figuratively and literally to the fact that you are supposed to help with this ‘quest’ -for want of a much better term – and yet you are employed as an agent of big pharma, indirectly but undeniably. Is that merely a rouse of yours, where you act the part quietly fulfilling your destiny behind closed doors? The thing is, if you are in fact on my side, (and believe me I wish I knew how to tell) then we can’t tell other people that we are close to cracking the code because either they don’t understand and fail to believe what we are saying or worse, they are working to prevent us.
If I share this with the world now, it exposes me – God knows there is enough evidence available to discredit anything that I have ever said. Yet if I am killed, it will still exist in the ether, hidden in plain sight and waiting for the right person in the right time space to happen upon it. But if I don’t share it, then it might be discovered quietly in the middle of the night by those that want to remove the problem. I will be disposed of carefully, covered up as a suicide, labelled crazy due to my history which will cover their tracks toward those few I have told of my fears and then like magic, all of their problems will disappear…
M, I can’t send this to you right now because I don’t know if I can trust you but its out here on that worlds stage for you to read along with everyone else. For you to read it here would mean I was right about not trusting you because you shouldn’t know this place exists, if you don’t read it then you don’t know, another little omissive lie, protecting me, protecting you.
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A homonym of pensive meaning deeply, seriously thoughtful. Though, it's also a pun, the 'sieve' part of the word alluding to the object's function of sorting meanings from a mass of thoughts or memories. (Source: Pottermore)
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Struggling with mental health, I was sat on a psych ward and inspired to start my very own blog! So here we are, welcome to life’s in the eyes of lauren where I’ll be tackling difficult topics and sharing my personal experiences, mainly focusing on mental health but also social services, the care system, living away from my biological family, school struggles and just life in general! i am writing to help poeple, if that means ive helped one person, ive achieved my goal. I hope you enjoy reading, Good Vibes Only xoxo
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