Balloons


***trigger warning -suicide***


Again! AGAIN! This coincidence shit is getting way out of hand.

I went to the shops today because we were out of food and I have a family that relies on me to feed them. I fell into a puddle of anxiety yesterday and haven’t quite been able to crawl out again for some reason, my thoughts are racing painfully and I’m in and out of touch with the world around me. I feel totally disconnected and completely connected at the same time – I’m not explaining that well, it’s unexplainable. Anyway, it took me hours to get the courage to leave the house this morning and then I sat in the car park for 20minutes trying to feel okay enough to actually walk into the mall.

My daughter needed some new shoes, so I thought I’d do that first, I had just walked into K-mart when I noticed their party stuff is right in the entrance and I looked at the balloons for a moment, Miss 8 is turning 9 on the weekend and I am supposed to be organising a party for her, 5 of her little friends are sleeping over and she is super excited.

I on the other hand am super unsure about why the hell I thought that this would be a good idea last week and now I have no idea how I am possibly going to cope.

So, I was staring at the colourful packet of balloons in my hand, from a suicidal perspective balloons trigger me a bit because of one of my preferred elaborate self-destruct methods involves helium inhalation, so as I looked at the balloons I was also thinking I should go and find a disposable helium cylinder that they also sell there now while I have a legitimate excuse to and then ‘decide not to use it’ for the party, then at least I would have it on hand. The rate I was going, I’m not overly sure I will make it until the weekend.

My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a woman’s voice “excuse me, sorry” she said as she reached for a pack of streamers from the peg board in front of me. “No problem” I replied, then I looked up.

  1. The lady was a psych nurse who I vividly remembered because I had had some rather embarrassing altercations with her when I was inpatient for 2 months back in 2015, this nurse scared me – I had seen her from a distance one other time since leaving the hospital and it had caused a whole lot of mixed emotions then, and now when I have been feeling decidedly unwell for a while it felt like a punch to the face.
  2. She was holding a fucking Helium cylinder.

Do you ever feel like you have been found out? It felt as though she had to of read my thoughts and was warning me about what would happen if I screwed it up again and it terrified me.

I bee-lined to the shoes, bought them and then got the hell out of there sitting back in the car for another 20 minutes before getting up the courage to go into the supermarket where I just didn’t make eye contact with anyone at all and thankfully nothing else happened. I am really beginning to understand why people don’t leave their houses.

If it was just this one thing I could discount it as ‘how bizarre’ but it’s not, it’s so many things at the moment – some funny, some scary, some subtle, some right in your face and some just plain odd – and it is CONSTANT. I just can’t deal with it anymore, I honestly don’t know if I am imagining things, if they are real, if someone is setting me up for something… Its crazy and it’s making me crazy and I don’t know what to do or who to trust with it. So I will tell you guys in my little secret world because I need to get it off my chest and nobody in my real life could ever understand.

 

5 Comments on “Balloons

  1. What is keeping you from checking into the hospital? You do not want to get on medication? I understand you have a family but for your safety, you may want to consider it. I love reading about your connections to the universe and I know them to be true but you seem to be edging on paranoid and that is no way to live, if you have the option not to. All said in love.

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    • Can’t bring myself to do the medication thing again right now, long story. Hospital forces the meds, I’ve had some hellish psych ward experiences and frankly I think I can keep myself safer than they can. The things that are happening are beyond my control and I don’t understand their meaning but I have to try and ignore it because there is too much I need to do, promises I have made – I have to do a write up on this winery outing thing with a community group tomorrow, have to visit my parents on Wednesday, supposed to babysit on Thursday, my daughters birthday party is on the weekend and I really can’t let her down, my Dad has an appointment I have to go to with his specialist on the 16th, then its my mothers birthday. There is always something, someone, who needs me to help them with something that I have promised to do, I don’t have time to get sick and I certainly don’t have time to go to hospital and then find a way to explain where I am to all the people in my life who don’t get it. I learned from the last time I was in there how destructive it can be on those around me and if they try and lock me up again, this time I won’t be coming home.

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