I am trapped inside a mind that either lights up like a Christmas Tree letting in more and more wonder or one that has shut down completely, abandoning all home and reason.

I’m exhausted.

Why can I find enlightenment with such intensity only to have it disappear from my body almost overnight? I am clutching desperately into thin air trying to recapture that empowering feeling of beauty and oneness, but it is no longer mine to hold.

My mind is splintered into shards of good and evil, elation and devastation, love and indifference. A collection of black and white polar opposites, bipolar opposites that are seemingly determined to build me up just so that they can destroy me.

Winter is upon us in more ways than one. The chilly air constricts my chest making it hard to breathe but I don’t care because I no longer want to breathe, I lie down and close my eyes, hoping that maybe the asthma can take me away from this stark and painful reality. As the cold burns through to my bones, deaths burning touch seems like a welcome reprieve.

I wish I had died during the mania, gone out on a high, safely encased for eternity within my bubble of spiritual nirvana, but I didn’t. I liked my little world of invincibility, until it shattered around me and I wasn’t. I flew high, but it seems not high enough to escape earths gravitational pull for without warning my wigs disintegrated and I find myself plummeting fast and furiously toward the rocks below.

The descent never gets any easier and now I fear the only view from the bottom will be that of the stars I will never again be able to touch.

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