I’ve been struggling.
I’m overwhelmed with responsibilities, frustrated by my inability to fix everything for everyone and disillusioned by the current political climate here in Australia, Hell, the world. But mostly I feel trapped, trapped by the very things I love the most, my parents, my husband, my children, our business.
All these things I love and want so badly are standing between me and my desperate innate urge to flee this mortal coil, they force me to face each day out of guilt for fear of causing even more pain and suffering.
Sometimes I want to be alive, sometimes I love being alive, and as much as I know this feeling of hopelessness won’t last forever, I can’t help but feel freshly devastated every time the dark clouds descend back down upon me.
I hate not having suicide as an option anymore, I hate feeling like I have been backed into a corner by promises. I regret agreeing to run a business that can’t fail because if it does I destroy the lives of so many people I love. My siblings live far away and ageing parents need me, my children depend on me, my husband needs me. My kids friend needs me because life can be so unfair and she has no one to depend on anymore, she doesn’t deserve to be abandoned.
I hate that my emotional well is as dry as the drought stricken paddocks. I hate that I can know and appreciate that my life is full of wonderful things and yet I still can’t seem to get my shit together.
Mostly I hate the fear that I will reach an impulsive moment and scream “fuck it, you win!” to these voices that have been running circles around my brain again lately and end up leaving everyone I love to lose their home, lose their stability and struggle through life broken and alone knowing that I abandoned them too.
I’m trying to be so much more than I am capable of being, I bit off more than I can chew and now I’m choking, gasping for breath under this sea of responsibility wanting to simultaneously do so much more and hide away and do nothing at all. The bitter truth is that now I have no choice but to try and just keep swimming.
Dissociation had been fleeting for a while, or at least I hadn’t noticed, but it’s back. The far awayness of the world which seems to exist inside a tunnel, losing hours of time. It’s affecting my work. I’m forgetting things I need to remember and I’m remembering things I need to forget.
Flashbacks of things I don’t understand, memories of dreams from long ago, the kind you feel in your body more vividly than you see in your mind.
My eyes give up on collective reality as the pixels of the universe bind together to form shadowy beings, swirling and dancing like a swarm of insects on a clear summer day.
My thoughts are becoming separated again, multiple streams of consciousness run simultaneously as they take it in turns to vie for attention.
Commentating, narrating, singing or simply chattering about nothing. I beg them to stop to just let me be, but the silence of loneliness always proves to be a deadlier prison.
Loneliness. An emotion I fiercely denied having to M just weeks ago, yet when I look deeply into my heart I realise in reality while I’m surrounded by friends, family and the voices in my head.
I am also completely alone.