THE COLOUR OF MADNESS
A Blog About Living with Mental Illness
Airplanes & Apple Blossoms
The air outside is thick with the scent of wattle and Apple blossom, the icy chill of winter has finally passed and spring is here, well at least for a week or so, Jack Frost always comes back for one last bite before skipping hemispheres for his annual vacation.
The year has flown past so quickly, a cyclonic blur of busyness, but although the days seem only to pass faster, somehow it still feels like it was an awfully long winter.
Mentally I am exhausted, frustrated, confused… Can you think of any more words for overwhelmed?
On a seemingly normal morning while driving to work this week I was abruptly sent into absolute panic as I watched a very low flying QANTAS passenger plane flying incredibly quickly and at an awfully steep and unnatural angle seeming about to crash into the hills below.
As I drove through the mountains along the highway I lost sight momentarily, my body was shivering uncontrollably as I awaited the inevitable sight to come, plumes of thick black smoke from the debris rising into the air, emergency services flashing blue and red lights as they screeched along the road…
I rounded the corner and prepared myself for the devastating sight that surely lay before me, except as I reached the peak of the hill and looked out at the valley and town stretched out before me there was absolutely nothing there to suggest anything but the vista of a glorious spring morning.
I looked back up, the bright blue sky was clear, the plane was nowhere to be seen. It must have already crashed, there was no way it could have landed at that angle, at that speed! There is an airport in the area but the plane was going the wrong direction.
Cars were still driving along the road normally- had nobody even seen it? It was SO LOW. Surely they saw it! Why wasn’t anyone doing anything? I scoured the area, there were no visible signs of smoke, no startled banked up traffic. I turned on the radio but the local presenters were just making their usual light banter. The closer I got into the town the more confused I was about why nobody seemed bothered by this tragedy and why there was no sign of the crash site.
Then it dawned on me that perhaps I misjudged the steepness of the decent, perhaps the plane had landed safely after all and I was confused about the direction it was facing or what if it had vanished into thin air like that Malaysian Airlines flight? But the most frightening of all the possibilities and the one I don’t want to believe is, that maybe, just maybe I had imagined the whole thing.
I hate not knowing, not having reasons or explanations for so many things that happen, I don’t know what thoughts are mine, what to believe what to ignore. Life feels like a vivid dream where I’m wandering in and out of lucidity as I try to determine what is real and what isn’t.
I hate not being sure whether I’m crazy or the whole world is blind. I feel like I’m gas lighting myself, my next appointment with M isn’t until the 24th. 10 days away, nothing really, in the scheme of things – but right now it feels like an eternity; one I can’t possibly reach
5 Comments on “Airplanes & Apple Blossoms”
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THE COLOUR OF MADNESS 
hugs. that does sound very scary! Im sure you didn’t imagine it… a plane is a big thing, you probably just must have misjudged the lowness or speed of it, or something, I hope your ok, sending many safe hugs to you kate! xo
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It was scary, yes I think that must be it too. Thank you for the hugs ❤ xx
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The scariest thing is losing trust in yourself and what you’re seeing hey. Our brains can play mean tricks on us and I can only imagine the panic and confusion that would’ve created for you.
Sending hugs ❤️
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I love the way you write, you are very talented.
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That’s very kind, thank you ❤
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