I fear there’s only one sure answer to that question I keep asking myself. “Will this ever get better? Will I ever get better?”
My first world problems are overwhelming my feeble little mind right now. The others seem to have abandoned me in my hour of need and I’m desperately wanting / expecting Suzi to come galloping in on a white horse and save me from this, save us from me. She always manages to keep so calm, the little things slide off her like water off a ducks back and yet the same things drown me.
I’m having problems with impulsive suicidality again, after a hellish Thursday I thought I was actually improving because yesterday I felt pretty good, my car even decided to breakdown and it was still fine, I don’t even remember feeling upset or bothered at all, I don’t remember much at all actually, in hindsight maybe it wasn’t really me in the drivers seat- I’m vaguely aware of seeing my parents and borrowing Dads car but that’s about it for my recall of yesterday.
Today the plan was dropping 16 off at work and doing the groceries, so got ready, even put on makeup (it’s been a while) I dropped him off and checked my banking app to move grocery money only to find the app wasn’t working and it wanted me to call the bank for further information, so I did – and that’s when everything fell apart and I spiralled instantly back into “what the fuck is the point of living”.
When I rang the girl was lovely at first & said it’s prob just the app and I might need to reinstall it but she’d check quickly anyway. Then suddenly her whole attitude changed and she got all stern and said I’d need to go into a branch and show 100points of ID, I asked if there was an issue and she just repeated that I’d have to go to the branch.
I said that’s fine but were they open today being a Saturday? She asked for my location and the nearest open branch was over 200km away which I obviously couldn’t get to.
I started getting worried and told her I didn’t have enough fuel to get home and could she at least tell me if my bank card would still work or not despite not being able to log into the app and then she just started repeating that for ‘my privacy’ I’d have to go in to the branch today for any more information – which we had already established was impossible given it was already 11:55am (they closed at 2pm) and over 200km from me… I asked ‘generic’ questions that wouldn’t be privacy issues but she just kept saying over and over that I had to go into the branch. At this point I was triggered and in tears. She kept repeating it like a robot and rudely at that, so I ended up hanging up on her because I felt stupid, embarrassed and defeated.
Why this? Why now?
I couldn’t risk the embarrassment of filling up fuel and then my card not working, luckily one of the kids had some cash on him to cover me because by now I was crying so much I could barely drive home.
So now I won’t know until Monday WTF is going on, is my money still there? Is it safe? Has my identity been compromised? My business is attached to that account too – is its money safe? I don’t know anything and they refused to tell me any basic information.
You see, this hurts extra hard because I had a similar thing happen around a decade ago, a company made a mistake that caused me to have my name incorrectly flagged as a ‘fraud’ risk and it caused extreme emotional pain because of the severe impact it had on my credit rating that affected my ability to refinance my house and even buy a mobile phone I was totally ‘locked out’ and despite the fact I was never rude to them (directly, I was plenty angry in private) they refused to give a reason for why they wouldn’t talk to me the wouldn’t escalate my issue to a manager and most would hang up on me as soon as I gave my account number – In the end it took over 4years to fix THEIR mistake. That was so hellish and humiliating and this persons refusal to speak to me today took me right back to that heartache.
The trouble with me being in this fragile state right now is I feel ok for a bit and lull myself into a false sense of security because I somehow forget what ‘this’ feels like and I will leave the house to grocery shop or similar then a tiny trigger will just snap me back into instant crushing suicidal depression and I dissolve into a blubbering mess and forget what any other emotion even feels like.
I know this is my issue, not that of the person pulling the semi invisible hair trigger, they’re just doing what they have been instructed to do by their management- however I can’t help but think a more empathetic attitude from a phone banking customer service rep today could have saved a whole lot of heart ache even if she couldn’t have helped me.
The two reasons that I didn’t give up and commit suicide right then were I had my children in the car and it wasn’t my car because I was of course borrowing my fathers. Same thing having happened when I was on my own and I would have given up right then and there. I kind of did give up, just drove home on autopilot sobbing my heart out and climbed into bed posting an unnecessary passive aggressive tweet at the bank in question and instantly regretting it when they responded.
I have an appointment with M next week, Hubby’s on his way home so I’m ‘safe’ I am just so sick and tired of things getting difficult and once again I’m devolving into this singular option mindset. It’s just so exhausting
Kate, my sweet. I am sorry to read you are continuing to struggle. It seems that ever since taking over the business, you haven’t found resolve. ( I remember life being hard on you right before ya’ll took over). It pains me to read you are in mental anguish. If I may make a suggestion? Start being more kind to yourself. As soon as you realize you are on the brink of a flood of familiar emotions, the one’s that take over; leaving you in a puddle, say out loud, “It is ok but I am not capable of doing this at the moment”. And mean it. Drop any situation before it escalates. I think M needs to help you to dig deeper because I am watching you and see you want so badly to understand yourself. You are not the things that have happened to you. You are a kind, beautiful soul who craves understanding.
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Hi!!! Thank you for your kind words, it is so lovely to hear from you, sorry about my slackness in the blog reading etc, life is nuts. I am working on self kindness but it’s hard to undo so much self-hatred training. I am technically taking today off, I am at the office because of the great internet connection but nobody else is here today and so I am pretending I am not either LOL. M is being really good, she says we’ve made great progress in the self awareness stakes and we need to push but push gently because we haven’t had a long enough period of general stability to start introducing more ‘stuff’ and we are all afraid of the fall out, hospital really isn’t an option.
((Hugs)) to you and I will try and catch up on your blog soon. xxx
Girl, no need to worry yourself with my blog. Not much has been going on over there. I am using 2019 to discover myself and the blog has suffered because of. I suppose from my outside perspective I need M to hurry and help you so you will not be in so much pain but it makes so much more sense to take your time. Has she had the pleasure of meeting the others? I have been curious about all of that but didn’t want to appear nosey. If you wanna chat more privately, email me. I’d love to hear from you. Any time you are struggling with being kind to yourself, picture me holding a poster-sized sign that says Candace loves you!!
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We are pretty co-con most of the time so they are usually around and she did see Suzi ‘alone’ once recently, Suzi didn’t actually tell her that it was her I think but I am under the impression she knew… I actually don’t have any recall of that session and M didn’t discuss it with me at the next one, just asked if I remembered it and I couldn’t really so we moved on to other stuff. Thanks for being here Candace, ❤ you're a rockstar! xx
Oh no that’s awful! There’s no way the bank should have treated you that way, either back then or now.
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Yes, it’s really frustrating – I still have no idea what’s going on with my account issue – I need to go in today and see them but I am terrified of falling apart again too. I don’t know if their records are marked with a warning indicator after the ‘Incident’ – the place I worked at used to do that – and it throws all my anxieties into overdrive thinking that the person who serves me might ‘know’ and cue ‘spiral into freak out thinking’.
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Hugs I think I’d react the same way. Suicidal ideology is a scary bitch sending positive light it all works out
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That it is – see my next post for the rather amusing fall out – thanks for the hugs xx
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