(From 27th March 2019)
I miss writing here, my soul aches for it’s powerful release and yet I can barely bring myself to stare at that blank page for more than a moment while the curser blinks on, mocking me.
It’s not that I have nothing to say, you all know me well enough by now to realise I could talk the hind leg off a donkey, but it feels like I’m being sidelined by an invisible force field as I try to gather enough courage to simply vomit out my relentless thoughts without somehow being hurt in the process.
The rejection I feel is apparently still too raw for me to handle writing, reading or socialising and I’m left to quietly stew in a mixture of tainted self betrayal that simmers on behind the scenes while I hide behind a convenient mask of ‘busyness’.
Life goes on around me in fits, starts and backwards circles as it always has. I fall seamlessly in and out of consciousness as weeks and months pass by then BAM!
Flashbacks hit again like stray bullets filled with molten shame and I find myself emotionally bleeding out on the floor.
There are different causes for it all of course, we each hold different keys to our unique Pandora’s box of shame but it always ultimately comes back to some undeniable un-live-withable knowledge that we are ultimately unacceptable.
But we’re not okay with living like that anymore, we want it to change, we want to fix it.
Stuffs been going on, never a dull moment around here, big stuff, small stuff, sad stuff, weird stuff. I know we wrote about some of it. It’s apparently April in a few days, but the year’s escaped me already. That familiar chill of winter has set in, days are shorter and fog clouds the hills as it does my mind yet still the earth keeps turning.
We dyed our blonde hair a dark red/black combination a while ago, we did it for those insiders that see themselves as brunette and have felt less than heard for a long time, perhaps a life time.
– this photo is of V just after leaving the hairdresser, she was so incredibly happy to finally see her own reflection in a mirror!
This secret vision quest for authenticity has taken us down a rocky, winding, less travelled road we honestly never saw coming. God there’s a whole lotta potholes in it too but at least I can finally believe we’re heading vaguely in the right direction.