Beautifully Broken

“It’s complicated”

That’s this weeks imaginary status update.

Only, I’m the only one seeing the status, and my psychiatrist, and now you.

Its amazing how beautifully we can delude ourselves into thinking something is fine or appropriate or even absolutely wonderful when the consequences of believing otherwise are too hard to face. And just how LONG we can continue to do this for?

How long can we hide here, so beautifully broken?

My masks have been well used over the course of my life, like brittle plasterboard slowly weathered by the sun, they too are cracking. The sun has finally had the opportunity to touch it’s warm glow of authenticity upon my real face, and even if it wasn’t a crumbled pile of dust upon the floor, I can’t bring myself to put that mask back on again.

I suppose that I am the only one in my life who really ever changed, I became a different person, figuratively and sometimes literally. At some point along the way I realised this, began to stop lying to myself and the rest of the world about who I really am, who We really are.

When I look deeply into my heart I know that I have always been this way, I understand parts of why but for a series of reasons most prominently self protection, I have hidden myself from it, tried to control it and hoped it might just go away by itself. But you can’t outrun your shadows.

” I don’t want the world to see me, cause I don’t think that they’d understand. But when everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.” – Iris, The Goo Goo Dolls

I’m working on that now. We’re working on it, together. Working on acceptance in baby steps, writing here, bearing our soul behind the safety of our anonymous internet blog.

The real world authenticity? Well that’s much smaller baby steps… with a tiny group of trusted people holding our hands, but it’s hard to trust others, especially when you are still struggling to trust yourself.

I suppose you have to learn to walk before you can run but as my wonderful friend JP said this morning in an entirely different context that is wildly applicable here: “A step is a step”.

And remembering that is half the battle.