Excuse the excessive posting, this is another old one buried in drafts circa late 2019 that I thought I’d share…
I’m restless, I wonder if my head has finally become so full of its own craziness that my neck is caving in, it feels like burrowing it’s way into my shoulders making it feel hard to swallow, anxiety is randomly overwhelming me and I’m not sure if my heart is beating or it’s just the butterflies keeping enough blood pumping around my body for me to write this note before I surely keel over and melt into a puddle on the floor.
I worry it’s just the literally and metaphorically a lack of those bitter and hard pills to swallow, maybe those blue capsules laying dusty in my medicine cabinet that prove my ineptness to handle society alone will have to make their way back into my train wreck of a body.
Fuck I hate taking medications.
I know that’s an unpopular opinion and I know how I should be advocating their incredible lifesaving qualities by shouting from the rooftops but I just can’t bring myself to do it.
There are too many reasons some legitimate some completely bonkers of why I hate trying to decide whether or not I choose sanity over reality.
Not knowing if my reality is sane or insane anyway or if these damn pills are going to turn everything rainbows and butterflies or just make the world fall down around my ankles again.
I did a podcast interview today for my lovely friend Jamoalki and one of the questions I was asked was about my disdain for treatments of the pharmaceutical nature – I admitted I had been unmedicated and yet the only excuse I managed to garble was something about the side effect of making me fall asleep at random. That was a definite issue but not the catalyst by a long shot.
I forgot to say my intended reply of “yeah I’m not on meds at the moment but don’t try this at home, folks” and I don’t have enough faith in my views to push them onto anyone else. I’m well aware of the pitfalls while crafting my excuses. I’m also aware that If a doctor prescribed you something, they likely had good reason other than being seduced by the rack on the phizer rep taking them out for dinner and you should probably just shut up and take them.
I can offer a few decent arguments against medication, but if I’m brutally honest with myself, my reasons aren’t really the socially acceptable ones. I guess it’s kind of like when you become a vegan because you’ve discovered it makes your eating disorder much easier to get away with rather than because of your genuine moral values.
It’s hard to admit out loud that my biggest and arguably, worst, reason of all to ignore my doctors advice regarding this topic is that one of those pesky voices of the “more out of your head than in it” variety had simply threatened one of my alters or “voices of the in your head variety” that he’d murder our entire family if we ‘tried to take him away’ and I just couldn’t quite summon the strength or will to figure out how to convince her not to believe him.
But like I told JP before going off on a subject changing tangent, we’re actually thinking of going back on them again.
Her intermittent psychosis is breaching barriers and I am not comfortable with that, the final straw that got the royal Us talking about medication again was quite literally straw, straw caught in a fence that suddenly morphed into that weird sun-baby from the telly tubbies and flew in front of V while she was driving.
Yeah, no, shadow people and wavy walls we can put up with but creepy Telly Tubbies Sun-baby is crossing a line. I wonder if perhaps we are actually slightly manic at the moment after all and expressing it in different ways, I don’t feel manic in the traditional sense, but I don’t feel right either. perhaps how I feel is just displaced anxiety, I’m sure as shit not happy – but system wide there are red flags, the racing thoughts, the feeling of needing to jump out of ones skin, the world feels awfully slow. we are all writing so much and downloading an awful lot of music, doing podcast interviews and cleaning unnecessary things (but not the important things) we’ve been working on editing that attempt at a book that’s been laying dormant on our desk top and losing a lot of time to I don’t know what but it’s not obviously productive, we’re also switching like crazy.
I hate being crazy.