So, it’s always fun finding out things you didn’t know about yourself. I found an old journal blog circa 2014/15. I think on some level I knew it existed, but was largely unaware of its content, which is mostly about suicide and written prior to our actual suicide attempt, in parts it has some very graphic photos of self harm & and suicide methods too (why is beyond me) so its not something I can just share as a whole due to it’s Triggering nature, its also not easy for me to read.
Besides, I didn’t write it, which is weird too, there’s the getting my head around the fact that this is about my life but its not really mine to share. I think Katie & Bel kind of wrote it together, it’s been signed by Bel but I can see a lot more of Katie in it and feel like she probably just used Bel’s name as a pseudonym, although she makes vague references to aspects of Bel as an individual they seemed relatively intertwined or enmeshed.
Theres a whole load of things I don’t remember written in this, different points of views on some things I do remember, some of it clears up some mysteries and other things directly contradict my own memories of events – and given that this stuff was written while those things were happening it forces me to question my own fallible memories.
I will share an excerpt from a post here that is an example of me not knowing about something that happened. There was clearly some sort of mixed mania going on at the time this was written, so can possible be taken with a grain of salt but this part mentions taking an overdose that I swear to God we never took as I thought I knew about all of our suicide attempts and the timeline for this is not right for those. It’s only mentioned in passing though and not referenced in posts before or after it so maybe it’s metaphorical or something… Don’t know, I am confused. On the plus side, I do now know why that damn magazine kept turning up in my letterbox even though I didn’t order it!
“I don’t know what the fuck I want, I don’t know what I am thinking anymore or more often what I’m not thinking. I think I know something/ understand something/ want something and then five minutes later I do a total 180 on the subject. My memory is fucked, I am doing random shit like cleaning the car to within an inch of its life even though I am planning to crash the bloody thing anyway. I am trying on and buying dresses that are on SUPER special and SO nice while simultaneously throwing a cocktail of drugs down my throat with the intention of overdosing.
Asked *The Guru for details of her sound system today via text (super awesome sound quality) I told her I want to get one for DH for fathers day. She commented that she was pleased to see I am planning for the future – I sent her the txt mostly cause I felt guilty for putting her in the spot I did yesterday. I shared enough that she could have and arguably should have put me in hospital, but I talked my way out of it – the text was kind of a silent “see Im still alive, like I promised”. The fathers day thing was just a good excuse to buy something expensive, lol. I do want one, yet its stupid because I just took a fatal overdose. Hey look subscription to H&G is reduced, and OOH it has free mixing bowls *clicks and orders*, hang on wait a min – why am I wasting money, I just took a fatal overdose…. Part of it might be I’m a touch manic so wanna have fun and spend money rather than actually thinking about the fact that I wont be alive in a week or less anyway!”I guess one good thing is the constant in all of this is even when I realise that I wont get to give DH that sound system, read that H&G mag or wear those dresses – I don’t mind, I have been resigned to the fact for so long now that its more a passing – hmm shame, could have worn that to A/B/C… Augghh! I’m so messed up! Thank god I took the overdose I’m better off without me LOL.”
*The Guru is a reference to the psychologist I was seeing at the time
Yeah, anyway… So clearly I didn’t die, and I don’t know what to make of all this new found information, might share a few suitable posts here if they are relevant to things and I might even share it with my Psychiatrist, then she can read through if she ever has to kill time, maybe she would be able to make more sense of it all than I can!