What a year, huh? I don’t think any of us expected it to go quite like this, or maybe deep down we did, we just tried really hard not to think about it for a long time.
I know we never actually met each other, for all I know you may have never heard of me and the stories I heard about you, well they weren’t the most flattering. I’m sure you would have had a lot of regrets at the end, a mother’s love no matter how bruised and broken always exists inside us, I know you must have loved her so much despite the way everything turned out.
She’s a great kid Miss S, I want you to know how much we love her, how much we care about her and I so badly want to promise you that we will look after her for you, make sure she’s okay, but Donna, she’s hurting so bad right now.
She misses you, death is impossibly hard and her grief is deep and she struggles to quantify it, she loves you and yet she wants so much to hate you, hate you for all the traumas, for abandoning her, for dying – we know you wanted to want to heal for her, but in the end the drugs took you away from both her and yourself and no amount of love, hate or understanding could undo that.
She’s been in handcuffs twice this week, her elevated mood and impulsivity is getting her into trouble, she keeps hurting herself and running away from her placements and we are fighting to have her mental health properly assessed but the hospital turns her away without follow up or plans, they don’t understand ‘attention seeking behaviours’ or complex trauma and how it rolls into a snowball when mixed with grief and fear. We are struggling, but she’s got a good team, her primary carer, counsellor and case worker are working hard with us to try and keep her safe, but it’s not easy.
I cant promise you that I can protect her from everything, she’s so determined to self destruct right now but I can promise you I will always try to help in what ever capacity I am able, I will try to be a source of stability and love and do my best to guide her down the right path.
Despite everything that has happened I am grateful to you Donna, for bringing Miss S into the world, into our life and heart, she has somehow taught us so much about ourselves in such a short time and I am honoured to know her.
The end of another decade is upon us, the next 10 years are crucial to her development into a young women and citizen of the world. While I can’t change her past, I promise I will try and guide her future.