*Strangled Cat Noises*

I HATE not being able to fix things.

I’m a fixer, that’s what I do. It’s my coping with chaos strategy: suck it up, see it out, hold back all the feeling stuff shit.

God knows I’ve dealt with enough chaos to last a lifetime.

Stay tuned for the current episode of our ongoing soap opera…

I believe we’ve mentioned Miss S before? She’s the foster kid who’s kinda distantly related to us that we love very much but we can’t take on full time due to logistics and our mental health issues… Anywho..

Miss S is so far off the tracks she’s drowning in the ocean, the mental health system is extremely fucked up and making me an awkward cross between angry, exasperated and devastated.

She left our care on Monday to a new respite placement and promptly ran away before the caseworker had even left the house. Nicked off out of a window I believe – pulling a Houdini is currently her favourite go to trick.

I managed to keep her for nearly 3 weeks prior inclusive of triggering events like Christmas and the first anniversary of her Mum’s birthday since her death without losing her once, she did get away from a support worker who picked her up and took her to the movies for a few hours while We took our Dad to an appointment, but she didn’t get away from ME.

Ok, granted we live in the middle of butt fuck nowhere so there’s nowhere to run to, but still, we did go out a fair bit.

Maybe it helped because when she was getting elevated I trailed her to the toilet etc like a private investigator and when she asked me if i didn’t trust her I told her straight up that no I didn’t trust her and that trust needed to be earned!

She’s triggered by trauma related stuffs then that causes a manic type of reaction, she starts losing touch with reality, self harming and thrill seeking and as a 13 year old lacks the frontal lobe capacity to control impulses and make half safe choices at the best of times.

She is not safe. She is a danger to herself and if the hospital releases her one more time without a proper assessment I swear to God they’ll be licking me up next!

I don’t know what actually happened today, they generally don’t tell me things when she’s not staying with me but her instagram had pics of her on top of a tall building roof, standing with a cop, in hospital and then a tram station with the caption “snuck out” then a blurry shot of what looked a bit like her smoking a crack pipe but I’m assuming was more likely a bong…

What frustrates me the most here is there not a damn thing I can do about it.

We had a doozy of a fight with The Husband on Boxing Day because of S’s ‘influence’ on Miss 10 – and while I agree that’s she’s not a good influence and it is starting to cause problems, what The Husband understands about complex trauma would fit into a teaspoon and he basically put his foot down and said she’s not coming back without compromising about state of mind or time frame.

Cool, cool, cool – lets just abandon the fuck out of the kid with all the abandonment issues, that couldn’t possible go horribly wrong now could it?

We, as in my system are pretty heavily invested in Miss S’s well-being and I actually had to vacate the body so to speak because I straight up nearly walked out on him.

There more to it than that, we don’t see eye to eye in general and I’m pretty sure that’s not going to change anytime soon. I’m respectful enough of the rest of our system to keep my opinions to myself most of the time but I’m very protective of that kid, if I’m honest I can see a whole lot of our past and Bel in her and I’m probably subconsciously just trying like Hell to prevent her from becoming like us.. or trying to save us somehow by saving her or some kind of psychobabble reason.

Anyway, the current situation is she’s run off again and I’m terrified she’s going to get hurt, badly hurt, the kind of scarring hurt you can’t fucking come back from and once again I am feeling powerless to stop it from happening. Aughhh!!!!

Fuck Me. Lucky silver hair is in fashion because I’m going to have a head full of greys before the weeks out.

I also loath my own hypocrisy being thrown in my face because we were a terrible teenager and only “turned out okay” because we are so fucked up that we’ve come full circle in order to survive and as such apparently look vaguely sane to the outside world.

But man, our system is hella divided right now, we are close to breaking point, half of them are suicidal to a concerning degree and maybe that’s partly my bad for fucking off the other day, but at the time it was the better option for everyone and frankly we don’t have time for that suicidal bullshit right now.

I’m trying to save someone else’s life, I don’t have time to save ours too! Selfish fucks.

Ugh!

V.

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