The thoughts passing through my brain aren’t making a huge amount of sense right now, I’m apparently spitting words out in a coherent fashion and if I write fast without stopping to think at all everything comes out in the right order, it’s like autocorrect for my brain and it’s extremely convenient but alas autocorrect for real still intercepts my flow by turn my swear words into common water birds and my point into shortcake.
If I stop for a moment and hear my thoughts they become a nonsensical jumble of random loosely connected word salad.
I’m not sure how to rectify that or quite why it’s happening, I suspect it’s related to the DID and perhaps the bipolar- a pile of metaphorical red flags are burning at my feet right now because there’s no time to be sick. My passing thoughts are cat in the hat on a speed train but the words are spewing forth in an English accent as though I am drowning in a bizarre combination brain soup of Suzi and Ezzy.
We haven’t slept well in a long time, perhaps it’s hypomania? But it can’t be, because we were fine earlier when we had to be, we’re always fine when we have to be, well almost always. It’s like a super power without a cape to choke us. See that’s not mine, I wasn’t taking about capes, she chimed in and it came out in the words I didn’t write.
Ugh. I’m thinking too fast and I can hear them too so I can’t tell what belongs to who and it’s confusing and if fucking internal or external autocorrect butchers any more words I’m going to scream. I am Erastus ever UV sebbsu eort I tulips
^^That was supposed to say erasing every second word I type ~ SEE?!?
There’s a mosquito buzzing around my room driving me ducking insane FUCKING insane. DAMN YOU AUTOCORRECT. Bzzzzzzz in my ear, can’t catch the little fucker, I am covered in bites and they’re itchy as fuck.
I’m not tired in a sleepy way just in a fatigued way, dysphoric but elevated- that never bodes well. Monkeys in yellow gum boots invade my thoughts for no reason – is it called George? I feel like it’s called George. Why though? Why are there monkeys? From the tv they tell me and I know that’s a thing and there was an American accent and rain and I don’t remember the rest nor do I care at all.
Speaking of rain. Did you know it DIDNT rain on our wedding day!!!??? Because I didn’t know that. We changed the fucking venue on the day and I have been operating on the belief that it was because it was RAINING and telling people that story! And today I found out it WAS NOT raining- what a mind fuck! Seriously, this having memory issues really messes with me sometimes, I don’t know what the fuck is real, my entire life is based off photographs like the guy in that Netflix show that made us cry inside because it hit too close to home.
This is hard. I need a job, I need to be a reliable person, I need to be a functioning member of society and one minute I am and the next minute I’m captain crunch and shits all distorted and it DIDNT rain on my god damn wedding day even though I have believed it did my whole damn life. Well whole damn married life… well now I don’t actually know because maybe once upon a time I remembered it the way it happened not this made up imagination land that I’ve apparently been operating in. Faaaaark.
I don’t want to be crazy. I need to look after my parents right now. I need to be an adult. I need to be a mother. I need to be a wife. I need to save the fucking world because it’s metaphorically and literally burning down around me.
Now Canberra is almost on fire, I used to live there, friends and family live there still, i moved to the bush, I deserve to burn for my sins but they chose the city to be safe from all of that and yet it’s still threatening to smoke them out of their comfy bubble and reduce them to ashes.
Jesus Christ I need to be able to fix something. This year, like holy ducking hell, right?? It’s been 1 month count em, ONE fucking month and the worlds gone to shit. I swear to God this is some sort of ducked up reality show, man fuck those producers, assholes, who created this kind of world drama, my imagination is pretty wild apparently – it even managed to convince itself that it ducking rained on our wedding day – but I couldnt even begin to invent the barrage of weird crap facing the planet right now. I don’t think it’s real, it couldn’t possibly be real, i mean seriously, HOW!?
Damn if I ever wake up from this damn coma I’m going to have some serious fiction best sellers to write because this shit is left field.
I want to run and stay and write and sleep and talk and explode and you know I saw an echidna today? It had a paralysis tick on it, we aren’t supposed to get them here, but it was there on the echidna. I pulled it off, I don’t know if they affect echidnas but they kill dogs and we have dogs and one died just before Christmas for no apparent reason and now I’m wondering if it was a tick bite. Fucking ticks.
I have to go or I’ll write myself into a circle and disappear into infinity, maybe that would be best, maybe that’s where I am, that suicide attempt worked after all and I’m in a permanent limbo or hell- that good place show seems to relatable philosophically to be a coincidence – this is the bad place, Damn it, wake up!! Feels like a code, I exist in Janets void with all the other fragments of us and we are destined to an eternity of gas lighting ourselves by thing too much. This is confusing and Suzi left, I can’t hear her anymore, she has an English accent and I feel her but she isn’t there now, she’s probably given up on me I annoy her, she’s scared she’ll become like me I think. That makes sense I wouldn’t want to become like me either, better she distances herself so she can be the grown up and do the adult things in this fake world.
They don’t want me to post this, to post my whining and complaints and comments about the fairness of this bullshit world, I don’t know why they care because if nothings real then this isn’t either and I ca wrote anything I want to and it’s all just a figment of my imagination anyway. Who cares???! Let it all hang out baby, BE AUTHENTIC wasn’t that the damn catch cry Kate? Isn’t that who you want to be? AUTHENTIC?? Then let me speak, let me say what ever the duck I want to because it’s the ONLY thing in the whole world that I know is true right now and I want to be authentic too.