Raving on

I’m so tired of the world right now, tired of governments spending billions of dollars on military weapons and upgrades and slashing the funding from health care and education.

Maybe they hope that the sick will die off and the uneducated will be forced to join the army and fight some perceived threat that erupted because some bored rich people somewhere got greedy and decided more money and power would fulfill that gaping hole in their soul that really just needed unconditional love and secure attachment from other humans to begin with.

Hatred and fighting come from fear, fear of missing out, fear for loss of health, loss of safety, fear from lack of education. We blame other people for our fears because it makes us feel bigger than, better than and for some reason it’s easier to pretend they are less than us than acknowledging that as human beings living in this society we lack control and really are very vulnerable.

Abuse of power, it’s systemic, it’s a vicious cycle and it’s all so fucking needless.

Not that it’s new, we the people fucked ourselves over somewhere around the birth of the agricultural era when it seems we discovered violence and lording power against fellow humans and psychologically we haven’t evolved to effectively cope with this kind of interpersonal conflict and trauma so still respond with our lizard brains, fight, flight, freeze and fawn.

Those who fight rise to power and keep on fighting to keep that power while the rest of us ignore it, feel helpless about it or try the ‘if you can’t beat em join em’ approach – and every single person, on every side of every argument is simply reacting in the only way they can to make themselves feel safer.

Our societies are based in systems of cognitive logic and yet logic can only take us so far when anytime we perceive a threat our brains hardwiring constantly reverts back to the ways our reptilian ancestors and assume we are about to be eaten.

Perhaps we have integrated consciousness with the brain a little too much and thus outsmarted our physical selves, and it will probably be our downfall.

I told my psychiatrist yesterday that despite feeling rather ‘blah’ I knew I wasn’t depressed. I explained that I was just indifferent to everything right now, indifferent to the goings on of my life and equally indifferent to death.

I have been ‘present’ or ‘fronting’ a lot lately, far more than I’m used to and I attended and reviewed a course on trauma which is interesting and all but normally more Catherine or Kates thing plus it was via zoom, which I hate slightly more than being in a room full of people, so maybe I’m just exhausted from being.

So rethinking yesterday’s conversation today, I wonder if my unprompted argument against being a state of depression was a little too… defensive.

I’m the strong one. I’m the unemotional one. I’m the one who steps in and keeps on going, I can’t get depressed.

Maybe I’ve only equated our past experiences with depression as unbearable crying-a-lot-devastation and the need to immediately die which I don’t have, yet I do indeed feel deflated, uninterested, flat and any other word one might use to avoid the term ‘depressed’.

So I’m writing this today because Kate swears by it’s cathartic properties. I’m not much of a journal person but the blog is looking pretty dusty.

Sorry about raving on, individual life seems irrelevant these days and yet it’s all any of us genuinely have.

V.

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