Ultimatum

Posted on September 10, 2020 by Apparently Catherine

Is there an amusing light hearted GIF for “I am not going to survive the next few days”? I like embracing humour in my darkest moments, it masks the pain better. Nobody else needs to know I’m falling apart unless I choose to tell them the awkward looks just make things harder.

Everything has gone to hell and I don’t know how to ask for help or what help to ask for… This isn’t just an ‘episode’ of depression or a passing situation, it isn’t fixable, help is futile and unrealistic.

I’m feeling so fucking trapped right now and I’m definitely going to break, it’s no longer an if but a when and perhaps a how.

I can feel parts of myself snapping inside as though we’re hanging from a frayed rope that isn’t quite long enough to fashion into a noose. I’m just an outer shell that’s trying to pretend to be whole and yet I’m badly cracked and filled to the brim with broken parts that emotionally cut into me like glass shards as they intermittently spill from my soul.

We have to do something we vowed we’d never do. No matter what happens this is going to irreparably hurt people, lots of people and I don’t want to do this, none of us do. We would so much rather die than have to face this, though of course dying hurts people too, perhaps it will hurt a little less for a little less time.

We’re about to become a bad person again and I hate being a bad person. We have already failed ourself and others and it’s unfixable, I’m just left here trying to weigh up the fallout of all the potential aftermaths. But I can’t overthink my way out of this one.

Decisions like this are impossible; ultimatums.

Maybe it’s because they aren’t really decisions. We don’t have a whole lot of choices here and the ones we do have are all completely awful, We are technically our own person, we technically have free will and yet there may as well be a gun pointed to our kids heads while we are asked to choose who lives and who dies.

I choose me, kill me. Pleeeeeaaassse kill me, so I don’t have to make this impossible choice – I won’t be able to live with myself afterwards anyway no matter what the decision is. I think the others feel mostly the same way. I can’t make it better, none of us can.

This fuck up has already happened and now there is a price to be paid, a price we can’t afford.