I’ve been sitting on a chair at the hospital provided apartment we are staying at in Sydney half watching Netflix and flicking through photos on my phone. Hubby is snoring on the couch next to me, it’s been a long day.
We had the pre op appointment today, we met some of the rather gigantic team who are involved in our care for the operation and weeks after. Peritonectomy Nurse, Anaesthesiologist, Pain Team, Stoma Nurse, Surgical Registrar, Social Worker… Bloods were drawn, ECGs performed.
I had a phone appointment with my psychiatrist the amazing M this afternoon, we chatted a while and I realised when I hung up that I hadn’t said what I really wanted to, but I don’t know how to properly thank her for everything she’s done for me, for Us.
I’m so lucky and so grateful We have wonderful friends in real life, wonderful friends online, wonderful supportive medical professionals and if We die tomorrow on the table or I disappear inside for some reason and don’t make it back then I need to express how utterly grateful I am for them and for each and every one of you.
There’s an extra sense of surreal-ness tonight. I think it’s because this operation makes the cancer feel real. I’ve been kind of avoiding chemo and felt like I had to fight a bit to convince the powers at be to do the operation first, chemo is for cancer. Chemo makes it all real and unavoidable, I don’t want chemo, I don’t want surgery…
I don’t want cancer.
Yet here I am, the thing that only happens to other people is happening to me. It’s weird and strange and ridiculous and yet as much as I question it all I am forced to acknowledge the why wouldn’t it be me?
I’ve seen of spoken to almost everyone I’ve ever cared deeply about over the last two months so at least if I do die, I don’t have any regrets about not catching up like I’d always promised I would. Even my cousins in England emailed me to wish me luck, I haven’t seen them in 30years!
We take a lot of flower photos, in case you haven’t noticed. We all seem to do it, there are always new ones on the phone, some I know the history of and some I don’t.
It’s 10:31pm, I really need to go to sleep ready to be at the hospital surgery unit at 6:15am, I’m a bit scared to got to sleep because when I wake up this all becomes real. I have cancer, now I have to have treatment which means I might get to live another year or another decade, life will never be certain again.
All the times I begged for my life to end, all the tears I have cried wishing it all to be over and here I am, choosing to live yet still uncertain if it’s what I want. Maybe I’ll never know, maybe I’ll survive this only to wish death upon myself again in a month, a year, a decade.
We can never be sure of what the future holds, but in this moment right now I am grateful for the life I have had. For all the trauma and pain I have gained so much appreciation for the good, kind souls I am proud to call friends.
If the bad stuff had never happened I wouldn’t be who I am today, I am glad I learned the importance of authenticity and vulnerability and I’m so, so glad I was able to let a few chosen real life people in on my little world.
Sharing my thoughts and feelings with you all allowed me to finally find myselves and learn to love the different parts of Us. It allowed me to find freedom from the shackles of secrecy and self loathing and to feel accepted and accept and embrace my own uniqueness.
And for that I thank each and every one of you.