Distance

I haven’t seen M in what feels like forever. It’s been years I think, so long in fact that I can’t remember her properly or really at all. I try to imagine her and am left with a blurry hazy image of a blonde middle aged woman. I know she’s kind. I know she’s been incredible to us, I know we wouldn’t be here without her and yet in so many ways right now it feels like she never existed at all. My mind being what it is, how it is, it’s hard to believe that she is in fact real.

The last time I remember talking to her I was in hospital, if I do the math, I think it was October last year – I was in an empty room on the ward that a nurse had let me go to for privacy and we had a phone consultation. I don’t remember the actual call, her voice, what we spoke about or before or after that moment… I just remember the room was filled up with chairs and side table things and smelled kind of dusty which seemed out of place for a hospital.

We have an in person appointment at her office tomorrow and it feels so strange. I am aware of how important she has been to us but emotionally I feel like I’ve lost her, or maybe I never had her at all. I’m tempted to cancel the session, it’s a lot of money for something I can’t relate to, I don’t know if I need her anymore. It’s been so long and a lot has happened but it’s been okay, we haven’t been overwhelmed and I don’t even feel suicidal any more like at all, which is weird. It’s just gone. What if I get there and have nothing to say?

I don’t know what to start to talk about. Stuff has happened, big stuff even, like our dad dying and the fact that we have cancer and WE are probably dying but it doesn’t seem important, of relevant. None of it even feels like my story to tell, like I know it happened to me but really it kind of happened to someone else? It’s hard to explain.

I reconnected with my old best friend, I know it had been years and years since we talked but we ended up chatting for five hours and it felt like it used to, like we’d never been apart. Her kids are so big now, it’s so weird because I remember them as preschool and primary school kids and now her daughter that I used to babysit is driving a car! I didn’t know how much I’d missed her. I guess she’s like everyone and everything in my life, forgotten unless it’s in front of me. I hate being like this.

Maybe it will be the same with M. Maybe when I see her I’ll remember her, remember what to talk about.

I guess I’ll tell you how it goes but in the meantime here’s a photo of my happy cat, fast asleep in his creepy cat bed.

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