What a difference a year makes.

I have been going through old unpublished writings from my drafts folder and stumbled across this one. I can’t believe how much things have changed since this was written, though I guess 2020 was pretty much a decade long. If only we could go back in time and talk to ourselves, let ourselves know what the future held….

** Trigger warning for talk of suicide.

January 2020

Now is a pretty good time to get out, the planets pretty much fucked and we’re all slowly dying anyway so surely there’s nothing wrong with speeding it up a bit for myself.

Of all our flaws one of the biggest is possibly that we can’t say no. I in particular can’t say no and when people ask me things the anxiety of answering with anything other than agreeableness is paralysing.

It’s a problem stemming from childhood and it makes us a shit parent a shit wife and apparently a shit person. By trying to help or even just saying yes when we should say no because we are already drowning, we just seem to damage other people, every time we say no someone loses, everytime we can’t say no someone loses.

This means no matter what we say, I lose the most. I don’t mean to be all poor me woe is me but feel this pressure to please everyone so much more intensely than others in our system do, they can be as gung ho and have a “tell em to get fucked” attitude as they like, they have their various opinions on what the right choice is and they’ll stand by that to the death feeling that any consequences are worth it and yet somehow I am always the one left holding the guilt and the pain of the aftermath they don’t care about but I do care, I care too much.

They can be assertive, they can make choices, because they have this foreign confidence and know where they stand and what their values are which is all fine for them because they don’t seem to feel the consequences, I do.

I care too much I can’t decide what’s right because I can see every damn side of the argument with equal weight and it’s not some diplomatic insight it’s a curse because I feel all of the pain from all of the sides and I feel it so deeply.

We share a fricken body and a life so how the Hell does one cope when they can’t just walk away from it?

Now is a time where I needed to be strong but yet again I’ve just proved that I’m weak, too weak.

My best solution to this problem is to die by suicide. It’s going to hurt people less in the long term and frankly and selfishly I can’t handle this, I need to escape it, now. But it’s not just my life, can I make a decision that effects them for once? It’s not like they can complain about it later.

I have zero regard for my own part of this life, stopped caring about living around 28 years ago. I’ve been praying for cancer or some sort of life threatening allergy since I was a little kid, something that will knock me out of this mental hell but something people can’t be angry with me about the way suicide angers them, makes them feel betrayed. If it’s not my fault do to speak then it’s one less thing people can hate me for. But I can’t catch a break, as far as natural death chances go, I might as well be immortal.

People say “you don’t really want to die, you just don’t want to be in pain anymore” and while I don’t want to be in pain anymore, I also genuinely do want to die. I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be alive, even if it’s ‘pain free’ (which isn’t a realistic concept anyway) I don’t want to be helped or saved or given attention, I just want to stop having to be alive. Stop being forced into situations that feel impossible to me, stop having to be responsible for anything or anyone.

I want freedom from the pressure of constantly making wrong choices, from accidentally harming people. If I’m dead I can’t make anymore mistakes.

With every day that passes we seem to make more mistakes, the better I try and be or the more I try to help it seems I just cause more and more harm and it makes me feel worse and worse. It’s completely intolerable to be this way.

I want out.