THE COLOUR OF MADNESS
A Blog About Living with Mental Illness
Drama Queen
You know those people that never shut up? It feels like their life has been an endless soap opera and it’s exhausting to listen to them moaning and complaining. Surely they bring this shit upon themselves, surely they love the drama, feed off the adrenaline, get some sort of sick rush from the ongoing train wreck that is their life.
I woke up one day as a small child and realised I was considered one of those people. Annoying as fuck but even when I realised it I was completely unable to stop. People hated me for it, but I promise you, I hated me for it the most.
Drama Queens. Surely there must be a payoff or why the fuck would they do it? Why do I do it? I’ve been called a drama Queen my whole life and man, I’m still searching for my reasons. I hate being this way. I hate that I can’t ever seem to stop running my God damn mouth, I hate that weird shit seems to follow me around like a tabloid paper searching for a bizarre story.
I don’t want attention, she says typing on a blog for the whole world to see, I don’t want to be seen or heard or noticed, I don’t know what the fuck I want, I only know what I deserve and that is a sucker punch to the face for being a fuckwit. I want to be quietly killed and disposed of and for nobody to even realise I’m gone. I want to be forgotten.
Or maybe I do want to be loved, or remembered only that feels like the biggest sin I could ever commit because I know in my core that I don’t deserve it and so how dare I? I’m absolutely fucking terrified of writing that sentence because I’m not trying to fish for compliments or get someone to smile sweetly and pretend I actually do matter and I fear that’s what it will look like. I know I’m a piece of shit, and anyone who says otherwise might have good intentions but they’re totally full of it.
I don’t need more people looking at me and laughing “there goes that stupid drama Queen again, always trying to get attention, pathetic whore, why doesn’t she just kill herself?” Because they are totally and utterly right. I know. I know I’m a pain in the arse, I hate myself for being like this and I’d change it in a heartbeat if it was at all possible. I’ve tried, it’s not.
Two people called us inspirational today and it’s kind of them but it feels like the biggest lie in the world. How can I be considered inspirational? – especially when people say it in regards to the cancer. Inspirational for fighting cancer? I’m not fighting. I happen to have cancer and a bunch of doctors found out about it and then chopped bits off me and shoved me full of drugs. They’re the ones fighting the cancer, I just haven’t had the guts to tell them to fuck off and let me die in peace yet. I’m not ‘brave’ I’m a pussy who’s too weak to stand up and say “I don’t want this”.
Even this post is overly dramatic. For fucks sake why can’t I just shut up already. It feels like if I don’t write I’m going to fucking explode. Exaggerating, because I’m a fucking drama Queen of course, people don’t randomly explode. Mentally implode maybe. Excuse me while I go sit in a corner rocking somewhere, hiding in a dark room hoping nobody comes looking for me.
7 Comments on “Drama Queen”
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THE COLOUR OF MADNESS 
ffs CofM talk about talking drivel, you not heard of shame and guilt based systems? Sure you have, so whilst can say what you want, which you do but to wrap it up and parcel it (which you do very well, I might add) without any tag or tear strips to open the fucking thing up is really quite a big thing to do… but then I find myself backing up and just wanting to fuck right off too… but then I think fold curves and that moment when you’ve folded every corner this way then folded every corner that way and then you have to flip the entire fucking folded thing in on itself – folding it so that the inside is outside or outside is inside or both inside and outside depending on the thing you are making…. but then I am puzzled, which is easily done with me, because you haven’t flipped the words at all, as one can do with paper is also possible with words and thought.
So, CofM maybe you can ‘just’ tell a good story, which evidently you can, and it might be a drama and maybe you shall be Queen too, and why fucking not it’s your story and why not be Queen at least part of the time .
So, you can, if you want, put to use the literary origami of your creativity…
So, CofM please flip and fold, some more drama queen stories, please…. btw one of my favorite songs is by Suzzane Vega, I can’t remember the title but it’s about a Soldier who knocks on the Queens Door and she ends up chopping his head off…. Animus Possession comes to the mind…. btw, btw it’s great to see, hear and read your stuff… it’s a gift one never even thought existed…
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this always gives me poospective (don’t you just love autotext you couldn’t make it up)
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shhhhh it’s 4.44am and the birds are cherp’n like mad and 444 is the secret key code for the phoenix child (and that’s pretty damn awesome) and here is some music that I play when I’ve gotta start all over again….
I love, love, love the film Betty Blue…. more than Ponyo even…
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3rd time….
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and for good measure a kick ass tune
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5th time….
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