You know those people that never shut up? It feels like their life has been an endless soap opera and it’s exhausting to listen to them moaning and complaining. Surely they bring this shit upon themselves, surely they love the drama, feed off the adrenaline, get some sort of sick rush from the ongoing train wreck that is their life.
I woke up one day as a small child and realised I was considered one of those people. Annoying as fuck but even when I realised it I was completely unable to stop. People hated me for it, but I promise you, I hated me for it the most.
Drama Queens. Surely there must be a payoff or why the fuck would they do it? Why do I do it? I’ve been called a drama Queen my whole life and man, I’m still searching for my reasons. I hate being this way. I hate that I can’t ever seem to stop running my God damn mouth, I hate that weird shit seems to follow me around like a tabloid paper searching for a bizarre story.
I don’t want attention, she says typing on a blog for the whole world to see, I don’t want to be seen or heard or noticed, I don’t know what the fuck I want, I only know what I deserve and that is a sucker punch to the face for being a fuckwit. I want to be quietly killed and disposed of and for nobody to even realise I’m gone. I want to be forgotten.
Or maybe I do want to be loved, or remembered only that feels like the biggest sin I could ever commit because I know in my core that I don’t deserve it and so how dare I? I’m absolutely fucking terrified of writing that sentence because I’m not trying to fish for compliments or get someone to smile sweetly and pretend I actually do matter and I fear that’s what it will look like. I know I’m a piece of shit, and anyone who says otherwise might have good intentions but they’re totally full of it.
I don’t need more people looking at me and laughing “there goes that stupid drama Queen again, always trying to get attention, pathetic whore, why doesn’t she just kill herself?” Because they are totally and utterly right. I know. I know I’m a pain in the arse, I hate myself for being like this and I’d change it in a heartbeat if it was at all possible. I’ve tried, it’s not.
Two people called us inspirational today and it’s kind of them but it feels like the biggest lie in the world. How can I be considered inspirational? – especially when people say it in regards to the cancer. Inspirational for fighting cancer? I’m not fighting. I happen to have cancer and a bunch of doctors found out about it and then chopped bits off me and shoved me full of drugs. They’re the ones fighting the cancer, I just haven’t had the guts to tell them to fuck off and let me die in peace yet. I’m not ‘brave’ I’m a pussy who’s too weak to stand up and say “I don’t want this”.
Even this post is overly dramatic. For fucks sake why can’t I just shut up already. It feels like if I don’t write I’m going to fucking explode. Exaggerating, because I’m a fucking drama Queen of course, people don’t randomly explode. Mentally implode maybe. Excuse me while I go sit in a corner rocking somewhere, hiding in a dark room hoping nobody comes looking for me.