I am starting to lose myself again, I’ve had the burning need to lock myself away somewhere alone and just write until I’ve processed my entire life for a week now. I had a series of epiphanies that cracked open a box inside and brought something into the forefront through Scribe. Suddenly words were taking over my brain, if I stopped writing and closed my eyes I saw them and heard them at the same time but in different ways, incessant stories, triggers, memories, reminders, realisations and connections were suddenly being made faster than we could write them down.
The power and fury behind it all would have been terrifying if it hadn’t been so all consuming that I didn’t have time to notice.
It came to a head Monday night with my whole body shuddered over and over, the tension was building and I knew I was about to explode. Something was breaking free and I had to stop it, sleep was impossible, I had lost control. Two Valium’s, music, the buzz of a mosquito, hours passed like minutes and still words echoed behind all of it like background noise. She was writing her days out loud again, writing into the night, the minutes, narrating the present. Overseeing everything, overseeing everyone and seemingly all at once, it was deafening.
Eventually sleep came to break up the madness. At least the Valium stops us dreaming.
I woke up in the morning and they were all still there, the words wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t even write them down, I had no time. There were places to be, people to talk to today and I had to be normal, I had to get them to stop.
I jumped in the shower and as the water streamed down my face it too turned into words and I watched as they flowed over me, through me, I could see them swirling over my skin, running down my body. Words exploding with emotion and meaning, words we needed to write but I couldn’t bring them to life I couldn’t set them free right now.
I was trapped, with a shampoo bottle in my hand and the most important words in the world just trickling down the drain. I don’t know how long I was in the shower, by the time I got out the water was cool and my fingers had turned to prunes.
Somehow we got dressed, put on makeup and drove the car. Somehow the morning tea we attended worked, somehow the volume was turned down on our resident narrator long enough that we survived the hour, partook in conversation and appeared relatively normal. I barely remember it but I know they’d asked about our cancer and I could hear us replying about scan results and feeling positive, I’d somehow forgotten about the cancer, we missed an important oncologist appointment on Monday because we forgot it was a thing and took our son for a haircut instead. Luckily the oncologist rang and we did it over the phone. We need to use our calendars better, then we need to look at them.
Therapy was after the morning tea and it was chaotic. After an hour and a half drive the cacophony of voices all murmuring, whispering, laughing excitedly, nervously chattering amongst themselves reached fever pitch.
It felt like everyone living inside my brain was there all at once just hiding in the shadows waiting for something, nobody wanted to stand up but I couldn’t filter them out and they couldn’t filter me out. It was messy. So much to say and yet we couldn’t say anything.
Scribe had finally fallen silent, perhaps waiting, watching, maybe she was just exhausted. None of us seemed to be able to be in control of our thoughts for long enough to think straight.
I was so blurry I couldn’t finish a sentence, everyone had an opinion and their thoughts were interrupting me, flying too fast to catch let alone hold on to. I know M had said something profound but I couldn’t hear it. I think we did talk about some stuff but I don’t know now, I almost need to record sessions so I can actually remember them but I know if we tried to do that nobody would ever say a word.
I’ve gotta go to bed now, real life continues tomorrow and I’m expected to be a part of it. Time for more Valium, let’s see if we can make it through this without developing a drug habit…