Stagnant

It’s chemo week so I’m sharing some old journals from the others again, this wasn’t dated but I’m guessing it’s around 2 or 3 years old (?) – Kate

My body is tired but my mind is agitated and restless, a metallic taste invades my mouth akin to the one you get from taking too much Lithium and I catch myself subconsciously grinding my teeth again.

I feel like I’m withdrawing, but I haven’t taken meds in about a year now so they have long since flushed through my system. I hate these feelings, the ones that were once acceptable because they had a logical cause but now the symptoms remain and their reason has dissolved into a simple question of whether or not you are imagining them now or had simply imagined them all in the first place.

Bipolar is a funny beast, when an episode rears its ugly head it is an all consuming overlord taking control of every aspect of your thought yet when it lies dormant its memory fades to grey and its very existence becomes questionable when you are finally able to rise above its consequencial fallout.

Somehow I think I’d convinced enough of myself that I was past this point in my life, past the point of allowing my emotions to rule, that I started to naively believe it and yet now it seems like I never left it behind at all. I was treading water in a stagnant pond.

Emotional memories are strange, people bang on about living ‘in the moment’ yet it seems as though the present is the only time I ever really have feelings. I guess it technically is. The emotions of the past are encompassed by those presently experienced in the current reality and the future is impossible to imagine out of the context in which is already understood.

Emotions are not logical, they cannot live beyond the now. Neural pathways from imagination to emotion must be slowly carved but those from existing emotions to memories are a worn and beaten track; it always feels faster going home.

Decades have passed in minutes and yet months and years seem to go by and the calendar says it was only weeks. Recollection of this time is simply lost or stolen.

I can’t relate feelings to any other time frame, when I am sad I feel I have been sad forever and yet when I read the journals we have written, they tell tales of euphoria and excitement and how it feels to know the secrets of the universe.

We the people are dictated by emotions, emotion doesn’t allow for long term species continuation because it is at its core, unreliable. For all the power in love, the power in power remains a far greater force to reckon with.

We create belief in false Gods in an effort to accumulate power over people, we then play God by altering our environment to align with our desire for wealth, wealth brings power, we use our misguided intelligence every single day in the quest for the ultimate power, the quest to become the very God we made up in the first place.

We know in our hearts what is right, yet still we yearn for power over people, power and delusions of grandeur over the perfection in which we were born. The perfection we couldn’t accept to be just that because we were unable to claim it as our own creation, unable to accept it as equally part of every single thing dwelling upon the planet; there is no power in equality.
The only thing that is certain is that once humanity destroys itself, Still the world will turn.

Catherine

5 Comments on “Stagnant

  1. I really hope that you can appreciate just how perceptive yous are… ‘The Real is beyond, beneath, behind the appearances felt and called experience’…. that you have captured and released ‘in words’ unties that which is captured by the power knots you have described….. I also suspect you also know that loving-kindness is a naturally occurring wisdom of the heart…. and yous have it in abundance …I’ve got a poem that I’ll put up in a minute… Catherine, thank you….

    Liked by 1 person

  2. here you go, ‘Love to Spare’

    through brash and hawthorn I crawl on hands and knees,
    yet this blood from cuts deep so deep is entwined and flows free,
    quantum bonds of the you in me and my heart aches to break free to know that you are the you and me.

    Said Angel and Ghoul “don’t go there”
    “fuck off” I scream “this pain I’ll bear, I’ll never share. I’ll hold it with love and not in dispair. I’ll follow and follow to find what’s already here”

    With soul light as guide and insights that only anger can give, death thought I have the cut of your cloth, I have a hold of your jib.

    Menace I match thee, with my axe your gone in one blow. You have what I love so set her free.

    If you’re in here I’ll find you. I’ll hold you with care. I will carry you in Love.

    Love to Spare.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. C, I would love to be able to chat, if I could, but the fight the others makes a sentence seem like a sentence too. But just so you know that ‘we:::::’ are with you(s). I will try harder next time, A.

    Like

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