My dear Lucy, tonight I found you in the dusty depths of a long ago time. I saw our home in the rolling green hills. We stood outside the stable on well worn earth, breathing in the fresh scent of early morning spring dew, filled with excitement of what the day may bring. You looked so different then to the way you do now, but your soul is undeniable and I knew you right away.
I had but a moment with you back there again, yet that moment was long enough to feel the power of our entire lifetime together. You were my big sister, my best friend. You were beautiful and I idolised you, with your long black hair brushed 100 times a night and those bright green eyes hinting at your fiery nature and a cautious desire for rebellion.
In that moment together in history we were faced down the hillside into the valley, you were being silly, doing carts wheels in your dress and we were laughing. Sunlight shon through the white mane of our dappled grey mare Estelle as she blew small clouds of mist from her nose into the cold air. ‘Stella’ you always called her.
I was filled with a sense of pure love as I stroked the pony’s cheek, tracing the shape of her face with my finger, mesmerised by her wise black eyes that had listened to our stories and comforted us when we wept.
I don’t remember much about our life there, but I know we were happy. I know that John the stable boy loved you and he would have done anything to make you smile. I remember you wanted a red saddle for Stella and were most upset that you couldn’t have one because ‘oh the shame such an outlandish thing would bring upon the family!’
I feel that I died young from an illness of sorts, I was scared and you were heartbroken because you couldn’t save me. I feel you have been trying to save me ever since, an unfinished quest to ease a burden of unnecessary guilt.
It was never your fault.
I had my own lessons to learn, death was but a part of life and you made me brave enough to face it. Now I want you to let that pain go. I want you to know that you have saved me, so many times and in so many ways far more important than the lengths of time spent on this earth, and for that I am so incredibly grateful.
The love I have always felt from you radiates through my soul, it has strengthened me and allowed me to keep going through the hardest of times, shining light into the darkest of moments. Now I can face the world, this life and whatever it may bring, I am not scared anymore.
My darling Lucy, I am free.