Just Another Existential Crisis

Talking to a dear friend the other day after yet another physical health concern, Suzi commented that she wished God would just make up His mind. “Do you want me or not God?” She had cried out half joking, half serious. Our friend then said softly “maybe God is leaving the door open, waiting for you to decide what you want.”

This comment hit Suzi like a freight train.

We all get depressed. A DID system works in mysterious ways, most of which I don’t understand. Some things will effect all of us, but they seem to affect us differently. Suzi might be known as the calming force and voice of reason within us, but she too shares this brain and unfortunately isn’t immune when that familiar cloud of depression washes over us. Lately I think she’s been feeling that she’s in over her head.

She’s our only alter that still holds onto the spiritual views we were raised with and she’s been struggling with how rest of us are unable to share the same faith that she does. We also have a tendency to dismiss her feelings about this particular subject in a way that’s equivalent to pretending not to be home when the Jehovahs Witnesses come knocking. We don’t want to listen, we don’t want to be converted and you do you but please bugger off and stop bothering us.

I think the cancer diagnosis hit her pretty hard. She’s been on a mission to finish her ‘teachings’ as she calls them. She is so incredibly certain of herself and her views that there’s little room for counter points and when we argue she simply gives off this infuriating “I’ll wait for you to come to the realisation that this is Truth and I’ll love you while I wait” vibe. It’s unintentional I’m sure but it feels super patronising.

She has found more places to express her spirituality recently. While it’s arguably good that she has an outlet, it’s kind of fuelling the fire. She believes strongly in reincarnation and seems to have come to the conclusion that this life is essentially some sort of final exam. Something about having to get herself and the rest of us through without offing ourselves and teaching us how to grow spiritually and emotionally enough to make this our last hurrah earth side.

She thought she had more time and didn’t push as hard as she feels she should have and now she’s panicking.

I don’t know what to think about it. On one hand I can see her ‘proof’ points but I am also very aware of how much damage these beliefs caused to us collectively when we were young. There’s also an argument to be had about the role of mild psychosis and magical thinking in our history and it’s impact on her.

We already struggle greatly with understanding our place in reality and this isn’t exactly helping us differentiate.

Catherine, who is 99% science with a side of floaty poetry has pretty much the opposing views and I can also relate to her opinions which leaves me directionless and yet again without my own stance on the matter. As usual I’m feeling quite trapped in the grey area.

I wouldn’t say I really care enough either way for it to be my existential crisis. Generally I just avoid thinking about it all, but frankly I’m really tired and hitting a point where I just want to feel better because right now I’m feeling all the pressure of an anxious hangover from their conflict.

I guess I am bothered because I just don’t know how to give Suzi what she needs, it feels like she deserves this opportunity after she’s cared for us for so long. We owe her a chance to live her truth and yet it’s just not a truth we can collectively embrace.

Suzi has always been there for me, long before I knew who she was. She held me through my hardest moments, she taught me grounding techniques and how to dissociate away fear. I still remember that dark night in London as a six year old, when she showed me the brick wall for the first time. The brick wall worked, arguably a little too well; it let me live my life free from fear, free from pain. The others were less lucky, but I know she has helped them too. V jokingly calls her ‘saint Suzi’ but beneath her sarcasm I know she appreciates her.

I’m at a cross roads. There’s a dis-ease in the pit of my stomach caused by the knowledge that we’ve reached a time of unavoidable change and my go to move is to camouflage and freeze. But that’s not going to cut it anymore and I don’t know how to move forward.