I remembered just now the birth of my second son. Not entirely, but a little, mostly watching from across the room. Reading the story of a fellow blogger just now jogged this back into existence and I have tears streaming down my cheeks from the overwhelming joy it’s brought me.
You see, Ive finally remembered it for the first time as images and feelings all tied together, not just a second hand story from The Husband and it is incredible. I remember actually being there, 18years old, in labour, standing in the warmth of the birthing suite shower and wanting to stay in there forever, I remember what must have been a little later lying on the bed in the hospital room and he was born. I remember looking at him for the first time, tiny, squirming and knowing he was different somehow and feeling terrified of what that might mean but the nurses said nothing so nor did I.
Then the next day or perhaps it was the one after, looking into that little Perspex hospital crib next to my bed and feeling so much intense love for this tiny child with the elfin features wrapped up tightly in a blue rug sound asleep and I felt a surge of love so intense I could barely breathe and the will of a lioness ready to protect her young at whatever cost.
Tears sting at this memory, for that child has now grown, he overcame a multitude of difficulties and is an amazing human being, I’m so proud of him. That time went by so fast that I blinked and missed it. I know some of the history, but it isn’t mine to properly feel or reflect upon, I’m not yet privy to its heartache or wonder.
I had to write this out just now because it may be lost again tomorrow and I want so badly to hold onto it, hold onto that powerful love a parent should feel for their child.
I hate what this disorder has stolen from me, but at least I know it’s still inside us somewhere, locked away by someone and they’re sharing more and more of the keys.
It’s too much for now, my head throbs and my eyes sting, I want to push it further but I need to be patient, I need to let go and trust in the process.
For now, I have this gift, and I am so very grateful.