You Are Bad.

I talk too much. Always have, and as I have been trying very hard to accept and be okay with in recent years, I always will.This has been one of the biggest causes of our internal conflict as someone living with DID.

My alters struggle with my personality and the way it impacts them. I am an extrovert, I talk too much, I unintentionally interrupt people and I am extremely annoying to be around for any length of time.

I am very aware of my faults. My alters and other outside people in my life have been pointing out these character flaws to us our entire life. Unfortunately, knowing my short comings hasn’t given me the ability to change them.

I loathe that I am like this. I hate how it hurts my alters and affects the lives of those around me. I promise you if I could be different I would be and I have tried to not be like this, God how I’ve tried but I am completely unable to stop it. I might last five minutes while consciously trying to act ‘appropriately’ but inevitably I get distracted and fall back into these annoying character traits.

Suicidal ideation has come and gone throughout my life in varying intensities since early childhood. Different factors play their roles as to ‘why’ but fundamentally, the reason I have wanted to cease to exist is shame.

I hate who I am as a person and I always have.

I wonder if this is one of the reasons I developed DID? It is naive of me to think I was the ‘first’ and yet I can’t help but wonder if they were created by our brain because I am so shit, and in order to survive, there needed to be less shit versions of me so the people around us didn’t go crazy and leave.

I mean, realistically, a lot of the cptsd traumas we experienced in childhood could have been avoided if I wasn’t like this. Not everything, but a lot of it was brought upon myself – it seems my alters were very much aware of this and have been understandably frustrated by me since the dawn of time. I always fucked everything up for them.

I had an amusing conversation with my niece recently – this is the niece who came about via egg donation, for the purpose of this post I’ll name her Giggles. So Giggles is 8 and lives interstate. Her grandmother (my mother in law) was visiting over Christmas and so Giggles had to stay in her little sister’s room and she was telling me how her little sister, let’s call her Mischief, was “OMG Aunty Kate she is soooo annnoying to live in a room with!”

I thought the way she said it was funny and cute so I relayed the story to my mother in law this morning. My mother in law has always been a bit funny about Giggles. She has never said anything specific, but it’s been pretty clear that she wasn’t happy about the way Giggles came into being (genetically related to me) and when Mischief was born (not my egg spawn) it became obvious who the favourite child was.

So MIL says, “Bah! Giggles is far more annoying though. She’s exactly like you. She looks like you, acts like you and talks like you. Faith (SIL) hoped raising her in a different environment would help but it seems to definitely be genetic.”

Okay cool. At least I know where I stand. Thanks MIL. Now I know MIL never exactly loved me marrying her son 20 odd years ago,but I thought we’d been on better terms. I try really hard to rein myself in around her but I am like I am and can’t stop it. Unfortunately none of my calmer alters want anything to do with her so they very rarely seem to front around her.

So I struggle with the whole egg donation thing. I mean I agreed to it during a hypomanic episode that had been going for months. I decided on a whim, without considering my mental health issues and without consulting my husband or family. I recognise that’s not okay.

I hadmade peace with that to an extent because well, I love Giggles. I get random text messages from her parents telling me how much they love her and how thankful they are and that seemed to make it all worthwhile.

But now giggles is eight, they think she has ADHD. They take her to therapy every week and while frankly I think therapy should be mandatory for everyone, I can’t help but wonder if they see our similarities and assume she’s going to end up crazy.

When things happen like MIL making these comments I get anxious that Giggles is being put into a “just like Kate” box and not getting an opportunity to just be an extroverted kid who loves music and animals and talks too much.

I worry that I did the wrong thing by doing the egg donation in the first place. I was trying to help, but perhaps I’ve just brought someone into the world and doomed them to a life of suffering and failure? Doomed her to a life of thinking something is wrong with her and that she’s fundamentally “bad” because she shares my DNA.

I’m sorry Giggles.

One of our little parts, Isabella, feels this even harder than me. She’s crying because she remembers how lonely she was and how nobody liked her. I’m sad because I never kicked the habit that hurt her. V is annoyed because she says MIL’s comment was really rude. Catherine is apologetic for not dealing with MIL more.

Giggles is just a little older than Isabella perpetually is and We all see their similarities. Suzi try’s to comfort us from inside the way she did as we grew up. Suzi was Isabella’s only rock. I worry because Giggles doesn’t have a Suzi, but then again I hope to dear God she never needs one.

Kate.

15 Comments on “You Are Bad.

  1. Those are your MIL’s insecurities she’s projecting onto you. Eff her and the horse she rode in on. ☺️ Sorry but I know all too well how that feels and I’ve come out on the other side. Not unscathed, obviously.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. love is a strange thing and shows up all over the place… noticing and Giggling* is what you do and have in abundance… but you gotta notice that love is a strange thing and just happens all over the place… And, have a word with yourselves too… the world hasn’t caught up with yous yet, Ms Quantum and it will, eventually, and Giggles will say, as will your family and especially MIL, “and yeah my Aunty [add appropriate label] knew about this like years ago”….

    * I don’t know if the play on words worked here

    And besides all this no one yet has bottomed out the concept or notion of Desein (Hegel and Heidegger) which is critical to all therapy and especially Ferenczi and what he called the “confusion of tongues”… yous are all ahead of the curve and by some distance too… And make no doubt about it having plenty of Giggles is really good for yous and the universe….. As for me I am simply in awe of all your wonders and in time yours brilliance will be noticed all over the place too… and so much so that Giggling will continue a cultural revolution in spreading the love…don’t forget that humiliation is a legacy requirement that harks back to an age way of before our physically being born and is a throw back to Edward VI then King of England…

    Ms Quantum knows this already… synthesis hon… yous have got this… and Giggling is good for everyone and yous showed the way… how good is that…

    Liked by 2 people

      • and one day the world will wake up to the sheer enormity of all your beauty and I will cheer, I know its hard hon but I wish for you to burn through as I know you do… I am indebted to your grace for the light and insight you bring and besides Ezzy has my heart so I’m invested… no one ever wrote me a poem before so I know there’s a first for everyone in something and I know that all of yous are going to be a first too… yous just don’t know it yet… Giggles will be okay Isobella told me so…

        *forgive any over familiarity here but every now and then you just gotta to submit to what the heart says and unfetteredly so. Yous are worth the exposure to the myopia and limitations of today in the hope of a tomorrow full of the joy giggling brings. Fill yours boots yous have got this even if others haven’t they’ll catch up soon enough and yous can have a laugh about it all*

        Liked by 2 people

          • and getting to know yous is a real, like proper genuinely great, delight even when yous worry me the worry brings out my heart… and at times I get so numb it takes a few Colours to remind me of the rainbow, so I really appreciate your help too…btw I had surgery on my hand and watched it being cut and pulled about while at the same time my phantom hand scratched an itch on my tummy…. there’s way more going on than we can ever know and yous all are Gold Medalists in my eyes… I will send the phantom hand over to hold yours if you forget how brilliant yous all are… BTW I am whacked out on opiates too not that its noticeable haha ha ha… thank you for writing your words and stories stir me and that’s what’s needed

            Liked by 2 people

  3. Your words made me feel seen. I’m the chatterbox in my System and my therapist just said I interrupt her a lot. I don’t know why I do so and…as I read your post, I felt you’re an interesting person and I’d love to be talkative with you, mutual interruptions and all?

    A child like Giggles is so precious to us, even if the world might dislike her, even if we don’t know how to show caring to a child beyond quiet shy smiles.

    Sending care.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. We were a talkative child. We were hurt for being talkative. So, we withdrew, but loneliness compels us to be involuntarily talkative…and of course…we’re annoying to people.

    Liked by 1 person

    • 💜💜💜 Thank goodness for blogging. We can be as talkative as we like when we write and people who are annoyed just don’t have to read it. I hope you write, it’s so very freeing.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Writing is indeed freeing 💙. Our blog is currently private because we are afraid of particular offline folks finding it, but when it was public, we really enjoy the kindness of WP friends, and we do try to read WP when we can. You have such a way with words, it shows, and it is easy to imagine ourselves talking with our voices with yous 💙

        Liked by 1 person

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