The Colour Of Madness
Living with Bipolar Disorder & Mental Illness
Category: Ranting and Raving
Schrodingers Mind Games
Dear M, A terrible thought dawned on me once a long time ago and it never quite managed to leave the dusty corners of my mind. It comes back to remind me of its presence at times when doubt begins to cloud my heavy…
Elephants
The room is crowded. It’s full of elephants. My aunt has a ridiculously large collection of elephants, and ironically bipolar. Actually in hindsight, those two things are probably linked… Anyway. What was my point here again? Oh yes, elephants. 🐘 My last visit to my…
Hippos
“Stop working so hard, not at your job, in your mind. I’m wondering if there’s something you’ve been trying not to think about, not wanting to think about and avoiding it is using up an awful lot of energy… Yeah. Okay, there are about…
Playing With Fire
I nearly burned myself again yesterday. On purpose I mean, to get that twisted release that comes from binding yourself too tightly for too long until you explode in a senseless torrent of vile self-hatred leaving you with the need to die immediately. But…
Pandora’s Paradox
You know what I seem to have discovered recently? Much to my confusion and subsequent awe at the capabilities of the human mind… I figured out what caused me to start becoming suicidal before the age of 8 and why it developed into a…
Bipolar Ashes
No wonder I have intermittent ‘delusions’ about existing within a man made video gamesque style matrix reality, God knows I must have died 1000 times by now and yet each time I find myself miraculously resurrected again, rebirthed from the bipolar ashes, guns a…
The Noisy Now
I’m craving something right now but I don’t know exactly what, it’s like a deep urge to take/do something that’s going to fill this gnawing void in the back of my throat. I’m buzzing with those eager anticipatory fight or flight butterflies, not the…
Silenced
Netflix went rogue and re-downloaded all of our watched movies that I hadn’t deleted and as a result I have run out of my way-overpriced satellite internet data for the rest of the month. I am typing this on my phone from a precarious…
Lies of protection
Dear M, I feel like I am on the edge of discovering the truth and I am scared that if I take the medication you prescribed me I will no longer be able to see it. The feeling I have of a pressure cooker on…
The World’s Stage
I have always questioned the reality of the world I live in. From a young child I remember wondering if I was being tricked by all of the adults in my life, certain things I was told just didn’t add up to me. I…
Them, Me, You & Other Figments Of My Imagination
Fuck it, *publish*. ‘They’ always seem to know what’s going on, the world is becoming a giant algorithm from Facebook ads to voice recognition software. We have fulfilled all of the 1970’s sci fi prophecies and then some. ‘Them’ funny concept. Who the hell…
Stigma, Friends & Hiding in My Bubble
As time has passed I have felt more and more at ease discussing my struggles and triumphs in bipolarity, I talk openly and honestly on here and I am always met with positivity and understanding, I feel supported. Sometimes I forget that the wider…
Popular Blog Posts
Looking After You
Poems
An excerpt from “Goodbye Notes”
“…But if you ever need me still,
Simply call me and you’ll see,
That I’ll be waiting in the garden,
By that big old apple tree.
I’ll listen to your stories,
I’ll listen to your dreams.
I’ll remind you of what you’ve forgotten,
And show you who you can be.
And then we’ll laugh together through memories,
As the light fades beyond the trees,
And I’ll tell you how much you matter,
And what you meant to me.”
