The Colour Of Madness
Living with Bipolar Disorder & Mental Illness
Tag: bipolar
Phone Calls and Fragility’s
I fear there’s only one sure answer to that question I keep asking myself. “Will this ever get better? Will I ever get better?” My first world problems are overwhelming my feeble little mind right now. The others seem to have abandoned me in…
Into The Lighting
A cool evening breeze has finally given us respite from the scorching heat of the past few days bringing with it a silent yet tremendous light show that is eerily illuminating the dark night to the perfect beat of the appropriately soulful and sorrowful…
The Two Sides of The Road
I’m out of town right now, driving into a posh little village in the highlands where old world charm has embraced modern medicine and the local folk are well to do enough to warrant an imaging centre with an MRI machine. They are scanning…
Square Wheels
We’ve had a few emergency psychiatrist appointments recently, due to a continuous state of fight or flight and yo yo like mood swings that include but aren’t limited to paranoia, mild delusions and an intermittent, sudden yet intense need to die immediately. M calmed…
All Out of Magic Wands
I want to die right now. I’m just so fucking exhausted and sick of being in my head, I don’t understand myself and frankly I’ve got no desire to even try to anymore. Maybe this is why some people actually wanted lobotomy’s. Just fuck…
Why is everyone looking at me?
Today I went grocery shopping with Miss 9. Sounds like pretty standard Saturday, except I spent most of the time unsure if she was really with me or not, doubting her presence and intermittently her actual existence at all. People seem to look at…
Implosion
**Trigger Warning – suicide, abuse, sexual stuff, self harm, intense shame** – This was written a few days ago, I wasn’t going to post this at first… different parts of me are currently begging me not to, but at the same time I think…
Playing With Fire
I nearly burned myself again yesterday. On purpose I mean, to get that twisted release that comes from binding yourself too tightly for too long until you explode in a senseless torrent of vile self-hatred leaving you with the need to die immediately. But…
Catastrophic Ecstasy
I’m tired of all my emotional extremes, they’re slowly breaking me. Even when the bipolar is quiet my ability to turn mountains into molehills on a dime truly astounds me. I seem to subconsciously love to watch myself burn and then writhe around in…
Free Fall
It took 20 minutes to descend from 35,000 ft to the earths surface below me and less than 20 seconds to plummet from the 18th floor of the skyscraper hotel I was staying in, all the way down to the ground. Both were of…
Thirsty Dissociation
Winter is bleak. Or maybe I’m bleak… I’ve written about 10 lines of 10 different blog posts in the last week but I’ve lacked the enthusiasm to finish any of them. I feel like I don’t know who I am right now, I…
Psychosomatic Pain & Feeling Like an Idiot
Note: This was written a few weeks ago, forewarning – it is very ‘woe is me’ and completely un-inspirational but I thought I’d share it anyway. I am severely frustrated right now because my hand/forearm cramps are acting up again, both sides but predominately…
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Looking After You
Poems
An excerpt from “Goodbye Notes”
“…But if you ever need me still,
Simply call me and you’ll see,
That I’ll be waiting in the garden,
By that big old apple tree.
I’ll listen to your stories,
I’ll listen to your dreams.
I’ll remind you of what you’ve forgotten,
And show you who you can be.
And then we’ll laugh together through memories,
As the light fades beyond the trees,
And I’ll tell you how much you matter,
And what you meant to me.”
