The Colour Of Madness
Living with Bipolar Disorder & Mental Illness
Tag: paranoia
Why is everyone looking at me?
Today I went grocery shopping with Miss 9. Sounds like pretty standard Saturday, except I spent most of the time unsure if she was really with me or not, doubting her presence and intermittently her actual existence at all. People seem to look at…
Schrodingers Mind Games
Dear M, A terrible thought dawned on me once a long time ago and it never quite managed to leave the dusty corners of my mind. It comes back to remind me of its presence at times when doubt begins to cloud my heavy…
Day Dreamers Sleeping
I don’t know how to tell the difference between what has actually happened and what was simply dreamt of anymore. Memories of my reality are exactly like those of my dreams and it takes detective work to sift through their feasibility before one can…
Elephants
The room is crowded. It’s full of elephants. My aunt has a ridiculously large collection of elephants, and ironically bipolar. Actually in hindsight, those two things are probably linked… Anyway. What was my point here again? Oh yes, elephants. 🐘 My last visit to my…
The Importance of Perspectives
Yesterday I saw my psychiatrist M. I consider it as my best session to date because in all the madness and confusion of my last few weeks I had a monumental breakthrough. I have trusted M with many things, however I hadn’t yet been…
Balloons
***trigger warning -suicide*** Again! AGAIN! This coincidence shit is getting way out of hand. I went to the shops today because we were out of food and I have a family that relies on me to feed them. I fell into a puddle of…
The World’s Stage
I have always questioned the reality of the world I live in. From a young child I remember wondering if I was being tricked by all of the adults in my life, certain things I was told just didn’t add up to me. I…
Them, Me, You & Other Figments Of My Imagination
Fuck it, *publish*. ‘They’ always seem to know what’s going on, the world is becoming a giant algorithm from Facebook ads to voice recognition software. We have fulfilled all of the 1970’s sci fi prophecies and then some. ‘Them’ funny concept. Who the hell…
Black and White Lies
This is coming out all wrong in my head, jumbled, I don’t know what to say next. I just needed to write something, try and work out the feelings that I can’t discuss, that I can’t even put into black and white for fear…
This Weird Spooky Thing Happened…
WTF? I am confused, this random spooky thing happened to me today… I think I’m losing it. (Okay, more so.) Okay, so anyway, my favourite beaded bracelet watch stopped working MONTHS ago, hubby concluded that it was just the battery and as it was…
A Long Road To Nowhere
I’m so tired. Exhausted in fact. This is all too much for me right now, my heads full. Can I unplug from the world for a while? Please? Simply sleep, be still, be quiet with no demands placed upon me other than simple existence? I…
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star
My nails are painted navy blue with silver sparkles, I had them done like that a few weeks ago to represent my connection with the universe that I felt so strongly at the time. Of all the billions of beautiful stars twinkling in the…
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Looking After You
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An excerpt from “Goodbye Notes”
“…But if you ever need me still,
Simply call me and you’ll see,
That I’ll be waiting in the garden,
By that big old apple tree.
I’ll listen to your stories,
I’ll listen to your dreams.
I’ll remind you of what you’ve forgotten,
And show you who you can be.
And then we’ll laugh together through memories,
As the light fades beyond the trees,
And I’ll tell you how much you matter,
And what you meant to me.”
