The Colour Of Madness
Living with Bipolar Disorder & Mental Illness
Tag: suicide
(Welfare) Check, Mate.
So, remember that little passive aggressive tweet to the bank I mentioned in my last post? Well apparently it caused a flood of panic for them and their little anti law suit brigade which resulted in me receiving a “welfare” check from our little…
Phone Calls and Fragility’s
I fear there’s only one sure answer to that question I keep asking myself. “Will this ever get better? Will I ever get better?” My first world problems are overwhelming my feeble little mind right now. The others seem to have abandoned me in…
Crouching Liar
Dear M, Maybe you understand me better than I do, or maybe you haven’t got a clue how this is going to work out in the end either. I’ve never actually asked you if you’ve had to deal with a person like me before,…
Square Wheels
We’ve had a few emergency psychiatrist appointments recently, due to a continuous state of fight or flight and yo yo like mood swings that include but aren’t limited to paranoia, mild delusions and an intermittent, sudden yet intense need to die immediately. M calmed…
All Out of Magic Wands
I want to die right now. I’m just so fucking exhausted and sick of being in my head, I don’t understand myself and frankly I’ve got no desire to even try to anymore. Maybe this is why some people actually wanted lobotomy’s. Just fuck…
Implosion
**Trigger Warning – suicide, abuse, sexual stuff, self harm, intense shame** – This was written a few days ago, I wasn’t going to post this at first… different parts of me are currently begging me not to, but at the same time I think…
Playing With Fire
I nearly burned myself again yesterday. On purpose I mean, to get that twisted release that comes from binding yourself too tightly for too long until you explode in a senseless torrent of vile self-hatred leaving you with the need to die immediately. But…
Catastrophic Ecstasy
I’m tired of all my emotional extremes, they’re slowly breaking me. Even when the bipolar is quiet my ability to turn mountains into molehills on a dime truly astounds me. I seem to subconsciously love to watch myself burn and then writhe around in…
Dying From Embarrassment
Embarrassment is my strongest kryptonite. When I am shamefully embarrassed I can go straight from happy go lucky to suicidal with no in between time. I’m okay with mild embarrassment about lots of things, ie acting like a dickhead on the internet, wearing my…
Pandora’s Paradox
You know what I seem to have discovered recently? Much to my confusion and subsequent awe at the capabilities of the human mind… I figured out what caused me to start becoming suicidal before the age of 8 and why it developed into a…
Is Suicide 100% Preventable?
The awareness campaigns have good hearts, they are filled with messages of hope and positivity, their aim is to remind people that they can always choose life! But when they proclaim that suicide is 100% preventable, they are sending a message that I feel…
Two Words
I was triggered unexpectedly by the movie playing on the television, it took my breath for just a second but it was hearing you utter those two words when I commented on my thoughts that broke me. The ones that rang out spontaneously and…
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Looking After You
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An excerpt from “Goodbye Notes”
“…But if you ever need me still,
Simply call me and you’ll see,
That I’ll be waiting in the garden,
By that big old apple tree.
I’ll listen to your stories,
I’ll listen to your dreams.
I’ll remind you of what you’ve forgotten,
And show you who you can be.
And then we’ll laugh together through memories,
As the light fades beyond the trees,
And I’ll tell you how much you matter,
And what you meant to me.”
