Maybe There’s Hope After All

Last week when I walked into my psychiatrist’s office I was suicidal and broken, I had left feeling even worse than I started which was only fueled by a parting comment by my psych about eating cake which I wrote/whined about here, anyway, she had somehow managed to fit me into her intensely busy schedule again this week. I was vaguely trying to ascertain whether this was because she is lovely or just because she was worried about a possible law suit if I offed myself; or worse, that she needed the cash to buy a new Mercedes.

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I somehow survived that night, and woke up different. Separated from it all, I actually felt good – it felt like that day and the weeks preceding had belonged to someone else.

Something had happened though, I’ve mentioned this in passing before – it’s hard to talk about because it confuses the living fuck out of me and I don’t understand it. I felt the demon’s presence again. No, not the red dude with the horns and pitchfork, it was Bel. The entity that has been absent since around October and who I stupidly thought I’d managed to get rid of was back, lurking, silently but definitely.

The cake thing was the week’s second “Bloody Mary” and I was one spin away from her returning with fire and fury. Emotionally speaking, I am significantly less stable than a certain president right now and frankly, full time co conscious Bel would about be the end of me.

Oh, I could write for days about Bel. One day I am sure I will. Long story short for those that haven’t been following me for long, I’m kinda split, emotionally speaking. I am able to relate to some people I know on here with Dissociative Identity Disorder because of it, don’t get me wrong, that is not my diagnosis and this isn’t anywhere near as severe as that – I don’t have complete changes in my personality, nor do I have total amnesia surrounding the switches.

 

Anywho, basically I feel a handful of different “me’s” inside me, they have different names/ages/opinions/strengths & weakness’s but feel like ‘parts’ of me and while they do kind of take turns at being in ‘control’ it’s generally to help me cope with a situation that I am losing it in. We all answer to Kate and know everybody in my life, usually nobody else can even tell that it’s happening – I remember a conversation has happened if I wasn’t ‘leading it’ so to speak but I may forget the substance of it.

I might get asked why I’m acting ‘weird’, my husband sometimes notices.  I can’t communicate properly with all of my ‘parts’ yet, one of them seems to though, but I can’t really communicate with her. No, I don’t understand it either. There are also two Outsiders, Bel is one of these and there is a older man too, I originally thought he was just a hallucination but now I don’t know, I just know that he is scary on a whole new level. Okay, all caught up? Good. No? Wait, don’t leave, yeah – I know, I’m weird, sorry, it’s supremely frustrating on my end too, which is why I don’t tend to talk about it (self stigma) and (until yesterday) have avoided the subject with my psychiatrist.

ANYWAY…

When I arrived at 12:30 yesterday the waiting room was empty – the waiting room there is NEVER empty, they have a stack of on-site psychologists plus my psychiatrist and I think all of their books are closed. I deduced rather quickly that she had given up her lunch hour for me *cue guilt trip*. As she’s booked out literally 12months in advance and receiving a cool $350 per session – I decided money wasn’t her main motivator for cramming me in over her lunch break and I had already promised her nobody would ever sue her if I did knock myself off after she had released me from one of our sessions rather than having me carted off in a straight jacket, I guess she was just being nice. I’m rambling. Sorry.

The session was amazing, I had been umming & ahhing about telling her how the cake comment made me feel, (confrontation is scarier than cake) you guys said “Do it!” and I was going to until I got there and felt guilty. I swear there was a war in my head for the first two minutes over this and then the part of me that is apparently able to stand up for herself got some rare floor time and told her. She was of course, awesome about it, she apologised and suddenly I saw myself from a distance explaining that I was terrified of summoning the demon back.

“Tell me about the demon…”

Whoa. I didn’t agree to this, WTF? But I was powerless. Words flowed – okay stammered – from my mouth but I didn’t say them and honestly, I don’t remember exactly what was said, but we/they told her everything, all of it, Bel, Him, us, all the things I couldn’t say, the things that terrify me, all the things that will make her think I am crazy (okay, that ship probably sailed a while ago).

She didn’t kick me out of her office, she was amazing, supportive, didn’t call me crazy, in fact she didn’t bat an eyelid. She heard me, validated me, said that we can make this easier, work on finding out which part of me my protector is, I remember saying I didn’t know, but my protector was the one doing the talking… She said we can work on opening the communication up between us all, and being able to ask for help from the ‘protector’ on demand rather than relying on her appearing involuntarily at the last second.

I could breathe again, someone knew my terrible secret and the world didn’t collapse. We then went on to talk about some experiences of my wayward youth that were recently triggered and she gently informed me that a ‘something happened but I don’t know if it counts’ moment was in fact sexual assault. I think I knew that deep down, but it’s harder to admit to than I would have thought.

It was a bloody big session, but I felt so much better walking out of there this time, with that weight lifted from my shoulders I felt free, I felt like just maybe, I have a chance.

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14 Comments on “Maybe There’s Hope After All

    • It really does ❤ Oh and off topic… I LOVE that tattoo in your avi so much, every time I see it I like it more… VERY tempted…would look nice on my left shoulder blade… hmm…

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  1. I am really proud of you for being so open and honest. Coming from such a place and talking about your “demons” is harder than most people think, and even though some outsiders would say it’s a different illness all together, I truly believe it’s just another “shade” of being bipolar. I can relate to your story regarding Bel, because I have a side of myself that is completely different from who I actually am. It’s not a split personality or even a form of Dissociative Identity Disorder, just a part of myself that is totally separate from who I am. It is very much like how you describe the parts of “me” and that’s what this is for me too. Granted my other persona is closely tied and rooted deep into my sexuality, but it doesn’t change the fact that I identify with what you deal with. It was VERY difficult to discuss all of this with my therapist, and since it is a very personal sexual side of me, discussing it with a male (my therapist of 11 years), was so hard for me and uncomfortable. But, being as wonderful as he is, he made it easy to open up completely, and I remember it as a very emotional teary session. So congratulations on taking such a big step, and know that you are not alone with your other parts of “me.” All my love and best wishes on your journey. ❤

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    • Thank you for sharing that and for ‘getting it’, it is really comforting to know that I’m not alone in this, having a good therapist to talk to makes all the difference, I have felt so free and light since & Bel seems to have pissed off for the minute too. Amazing how much just getting stuff off of your chest helps – although I also didn’t sleep last night because I was thinking about the relationship between God & Energy… and I started writing a parody to Rap God called ‘Lap Dog’ so there may be some slight mood swing indicators there… though there is a blood moon too… LOL whatever, don’t care right now as the sense of peace and relief is overwhelming all of my other senses 😉

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      • Oh you’re very welcome! I definitely do “get it” in more ways than one. I agree that it is always great when you have a good therapist that listens to you, but I have been especially blessed by the fact that I have an AMAZING therapist who has stood by me for 11 years. Its literally the longest relationship I have ever had with anyone, (excluding family). As for the whole God & Energy debate, I could agree on the mood swing indicators you are talking about, BUT I realize with the Blood Moon and everything there are spiritual happenings afoot and you just might be EXTRA in-tuned into it all. I am envious though, because with my Seroquel numbing the hell out of me, I had no real “connections” or any spiritual revelations, so I was just a drone for the event that occurred. I KNOW that I would have felt something if I wasn’t so drugged up, but that’s the price we pay. I am really glad you have peace and relief though, I always welcome that feeling. Good to hear you are doing well! ❤

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  2. That must have been huge for you to open up, but I’m so glad you did and that it has lifted so much heaviness from you. We hang onto things fearing we’ll be judged, or blamed, (like we do to ourselves), and to realise we can talk and someone can hear us is just so big. You are amazing and I hope you see it xx

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    • Thank you Kat, you are always so kind and supportive and absolutely right in that we are our own biggest critics, so much self perpetuated stigma, funny how the rules we apply to others never seem to apply to ourselves. 🙂

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  3. Getting things off my conscience has done a great deal for my depression—I know it’s not the greatest comparison but I applaud you for your bravery!! And I’m so happy your session went well. ❤️

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    • It’s a fine comparison! I guess that saying a problem shared is a problem halved was coined for a reason, it’s as though releasing our fears through words takes some of their power away, allows us to move forward 🙂

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  4. First of all, I love the gorgeous, gorgeous photo—but more importantly, how wonderful to read that you had a breakthrough session with your psychiatrist. She really sounds like one of the best; the fact that she could apologize, after all, is profound. Most pdocs would not be able to do that.To read that you had hope after that session gave *me* hope – see the ripple effect you’re creating here? To have the weight lifted off one’s shoulders….to feel free is nothing short of a miracle. I also like how she explained how she’ll help you focus on the Protector and help you be able to communicate with the Protector in future sessions. Thrilled your doctor came through for you like this
    So happy for you, Kate!!!!!

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  5. Good for you!!!
    About being split – without being split, for the first time I actually sort of discussed it with my therapist – okay, I didn’t, but I told him I felt crazy and, he told me that I am aware of the different parts. He actually understood that it’s confusing to be caught between the different sides. I never put it into words. And I know I’m not really doing so now either. Thanks for helping me feel a little less alone by writing this.

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    • Thank you for commenting, it really is nice to know that there are other people like me, (like us) out there! It’s so comforting when your therapist just takes it in their stride too, I found the way my psychiatrist was able to put into words what I was feeling to be so freeing. Feel free to email me if you ever want to talk 🙂 (thecolourofmadness@gmail.com)
      xoxo Kate

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