Fuck it, *publish*.
‘They’ always seem to know what’s going on, the world is becoming a giant algorithm from Facebook ads to voice recognition software. We have fulfilled all of the 1970’s sci fi prophecies and then some. ‘Them’ funny concept. Who the hell are they and why do they give a damn about what I eat for breakfast? We tend to think that “They” are the government secretly spying on us, truth is the government doesn’t give a crap and the “them” that are really spying on us are the advertising companies trying to make a quick buck while we post photos of what we ate for dinner last night onto Social media!
But the ‘theys’ and ‘thems’ of this world still hold a psychological power over us, they make us doubt – just a tiny bit. Doubt is a seed that can grow into a tree of conspiracies if left unattended for too long. Makes us question everything from our favourite cereal brand to what we are seeing with our own two eyes. We lie to each other all the time, cant trust a human – we lie to our kids about Santa Clause under the guise of making them happy at Christmas time, we lie to make ourselves or other people feel better all the time! Yet sometimes we see things, hear things, think things that don’t add up. But if it is impossible according to everything we believe in then why does it still happen? Are we lying to ourselves about our beliefs being valid or are we lying to ourselves about what we are seeing/hearing/thinking? How do we even KNOW what is real and what is imagined or simply an opinion?
I suppose that my “reality” is a place of my own making, a thought concept, it lives in my head, you live in my head too. With that concept, I die and the whole world dies along with me, for the sake of putting a different spin on the same argument, I can never die, for by its very definition I would not know that it had occurred so it wouldn’t have happened and I would be paused in my final moment forever. – Whatever way my ‘death’ effects YOUR belief/emotions/truth/perception is YOUR reality where YOU are immortal is entirely up to you, I am just a player. Kind of like an online video game.
So, this means, for me, that I am ‘immortal’ and you are ‘mortal’ yet decidedly unreal, yet if the roles were reversed the truth wouldn’t differ, it’s just that you would be the host/player1, because we can only know what we know, what we have created for ourselves. The choice I make to type this out in this moment is mine, to expose my quirky thoughts to a small percentage of the blogosphere, some of whom will agree with my definition and some who won’t of course, because nature is a perfect balance and public opinion does not defer from that Golden rule. You rarely see an election with results hitting 60/40 it’s always round about even.
Where was I? Okay, so my own decisions, all my own choices, are mine- all of them and yet I feel as if I came into this world hiding from a pre-existing version of myself, a ‘player’ that died perhaps, ‘re spawned’ as the kiddies say, having left myself just a small trail of bread crumbs to follow, unlocked levels and secret paths to reasons, things I have to remember through random familiar images or de-ja-vu like events, as well as a mass of important personal rules and guidelines to uphold that appear to vary from that of the rest of the world just enough to keep it interesting.
For all the place’s I could have been born, for all the times I could have died, the ways I could have been hurt, the cliffs I have jumped from over and over again and yet I never did die it never ever stopped. Why? I feel it’s even plausible some of you already know the answer to this because you were in on it the whole time (one of ‘them”) or because I thought you were (my concept of “them”). Yet here I go explaining myself to myself, because after all the only person I know is really here right now is me, the rest of everything could be imagined for all I know and I am the person who already knows the answer. Why would I do that? Because I love to ramble on and on and on… An egocentrically minded fool? *Sigh* perhaps I am, after all the efforts to disprove myself to myself I have seemingly recalled the truest answer of them all, pieced those broken puzzles together again and created them the way I have theoretically created everything else, not because I am a God, not because I am ‘good’ or better in anyway than anybody else – I am no more powerful than the concept of you, but yet I am the creator of all things that I know and that you cannot dispute as you are the creater of all that you know, the things you and I were told by others were heard and then we created our own belief/ story/ ideals surrounding it because that is just how the mind works.
Perception is reality. Nothing matters, really. I don’t know if there are high point scores to achieve here for another game, some quietly uttered moral Golden Rules to follow for our sportsmanship style comparison with others for that hypothetical next game – people have wondered the same things for millennia – there were some famous books written with strikingly similar plot lines about that very concept, I’m sure you’ve heard of them.
Some people know these books and feel they are brilliant works of fiction, some believe that they are a biographical truth – when ultimately, they are both the perfect fiction and the perfect truth because their authors knew as I did that the mind is the true creator of it all and we create our own eternity based on our conscience. I know perhaps because if we believe in a world of endless funhouse mirrors that the whole chicken or egg, I created him and he created me debate could go on and on until we are mere specks invisible to the naked eye.
The best advice I ever went back in time and told myself was the reminder that you choose your own reality, I never understood how I did that until now, appeared to myself in front of others, (was it the haunted watch? I jest, I jest.) The time traveler never reveals their secrets, because of the fear of what others would do with the ultimate power, we never fear what we would do though do we… which is quite amusing since we all hold that power anyway, we’re just looking at it from the wrong perspective. Some things must just be allowed to happen even when they have a complex explanation that we can’t fully understand, yet choose to believe because we see the result in front of us and we like that result and we don’t want it to go away. (What on earth do dogs make of television?)
All these bizarre implausible things aren’t ‘real’ and yet I am looking at one right now and believing in its power to convey my message, I suppose, they are all but simulations of a single mind, a mind where magic happens because of course, anything can happen; everything is possible or impossible based on what we choose to believe. This is why in the movies it always worked out in the end until we got old enough to question it. Yet why do I question the reason for that in an unexpected way? I have everything I ever wanted, everything that I ever imagined and I always will. Some of “them” say you chose, “they” say that over and over again to the point of annoyance. You do choose, but not in the same way that they are implying, because I still choose, its continuous, a loop of infinite decisions where there is no end, only because it never began, we just threw down and woke up somewhere in the middle searching for levels of competency that are not there and ultimately an unattainable resolution. It occurs to me in this moment that is exactly what that movie I complained so badly about was trying to teach me by its lack of resolution or meaning. Life has no rhyme, no reason, if you make the best of it as it crumbles down around you, still you will have to watch as it falls, but then you choose. Choose to quit the game with no resolution or get up again tomorrow and see what happens next anyway.
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obsessively suicidal, compulsively blogging
I used to drink and now I don't
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Struggling with mental health, I was sat on a psych ward and inspired to start my very own blog! So here we are, welcome to life’s in the eyes of lauren where I’ll be tackling difficult topics and sharing my personal experiences, mainly focusing on mental health but also social services, the care system, living away from my biological family, school struggles and just life in general! i am writing to help poeple, if that means ive helped one person, ive achieved my goal. I hope you enjoy reading, Good Vibes Only xoxo
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