THE COLOUR OF MADNESS
A Blog About Living with Mental Illness
Seeds of Hope
Hope can be a dangerous thing, too little and we exist as a husk blowing through the winds of life. Too much and we risk the crushing disappointment of loss, failure or rejection.
After a lifetime of protectively exiling hope from my thoughts, I lay down one day and closed my eyes. My final hope, the one that had clung for dear life onto the strings of my heart quietly let go and faded into the night, leaving behind it the allure of a forever sleep and a promise of everlasting peace.
There are a hundred stories written of that night, the night we chose to end our life. Each perspective a little different, we’ll share them here one day, but not now. For me the aftermath was a tumultuous Hell. Stripped bare of who I thought I was, I rolled around in a hopeless limbo, neither here nor there, banished in darkness with the others, haunting a shattered self we just couldn’t reach.
We were offered a lifeline from the universe one day, a beacon of Light that fought it’s way into our soul and found us hiding there in the darkness, lost shadows shackled by fear. The Light brought with her a gift, a little seed of hope, and she planted one with a promise.
Promises are made to be broken and yet she returned again and again bringing with her more seeds and slowly scattering them into our abyss. She spent time nurturing them, allowing them to grow until we could begin to trust ourselves to care for them too.
As the seeds bloomed into trees we finally found a will to try, buried under layers of trauma and pain. We dared to start hoping again, a fragile kind of hope, just barely enough to imagine a future, options, perhaps a life no longer held prisoner to a relentless past.
Then Cancer came calling.
The forest within us burned, the charcoal residue of hope crumbled into ashes as the sky became red from smoke and despair. The Light could have given up, she could have walked away but instead she kept shining, brighter than ever. Fighting her way through the smoke this time she brought with her a gentle rain to help put out our fire.
A predictable force in an ever changing landscape, she held our hand through the hardest day and wasted no time planting new seeds to help us grow enough trees to breathe on our own for a while. Months passed surrounded by blue, but in the darkness that had once buried us, a little patch of light remained and as our shadows danced in the moonlight we discovered it was not just a piece of her, but a light of our very own.
To our Light, and you know who you are. We can never thank you enough for being you, for hearing us, guiding us and believing in us when we couldn’t believe in ourselves. It’s been nearly six years since that night we let it all go. While the challenges are still numerous, they are no longer insurmountable and we would not be here today to celebrate the wonder of life with all its ups and downs if it weren’t for your gentle care. Shine on. xx
11 Comments on “Seeds of Hope”
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THE COLOUR OF MADNESS 
Catherine, again you bowl me over with your words as they make beautiful the most trying of times, as per usual it prompts a reply…
And love did spread like star dust from above,
a shower did fall this way,
a story of quantum bonds and earrnst promises to be kept,
a pledge of love from oneself to the others,
nothing else above everything else to be,
innerlove so plain,
so pláin to see,
fly high, hit the floor, smash right through the fucking door,
this pledge of innerlove is like no other,
nothing else above and nothing else below,
a complete defiance of reality,
no judge shall sit within your Court,
to abide in this love completely, no leaping about or shouting out loud but to be gently held in your heart eternally,
a feeling so strong to alter all certainty in an uncertain certain way,
like an innocent wish that on its granting guarantees its release,
so freely given,
the love in myself is me.
thank you for writing C, big hugs for you and yours x
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Thank you for replying Alec, I do hope you make a book of your poetry one day!
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well missus C, the stuff pours out when I’m replying so so so you’d better keep writing…. thank you so much Catherine btw I just spoke with my inners and they are all in agreement (now that’s a god damn first, and you gotta a lot of fans too, even the one’s too shy to step into the light are smiling big smiles – I just cry loads btw btw what part of the brain makes one look at the snot you’ve just snorted out knowing its disgusting, especially when you’re in a crowded place [kidding about that bit]…
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the beauty of being heard
until now every thing is a row,
he said this
she said that
but in between
the spit and spat
are us
too many to have a voice
no way of a choice
how dare we think of one as other
it’s all the same
life under the under
but not
when
somehow
it seems
the seedling grows.
as I hoped it be
Be…….
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so it’s ages and ages Catherine and… I wait and wait… as I write Armstrong is singing ‘What wonderful world’… the colours of the rainbow so pretty in the sky is also on the faces of people passing by, I see friends holding hands saying how do you do…
So, how are you doing?
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She’s okay, lost in a song for now though perhaps you can relate?
Too busy to do much here, she’ll be back when there’s time.
Are you well?
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I’m OK thanks, I think lol…. but please ask her to hurry up because I need her to provoke a reaction.. it’s all me me me you know so don’t get any funny idea’s… although having a laugh is OK… how do yous all manage that thing they call boundaries… mine never really existed, as yous can tell… btw is this Kate or maybe Ez, or I have created another lol lol… btw btw I am just telling a loud buzzing blue bottle to F. Ó spitting poo everywhere
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Heya. This is Kate. I’m coming off of our last chemo so feeling kinda crappy right now. Not sure what Ms Catherine is doing, she’s been very quiet lately. Ez is off creating worlds of her own somewhere so I’m alone right now too, I can’t summon the others, they just are and aren’t. Wish I had the power but alas… so right now I just have the company of a ticking clock and a rather addictive phone game.
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well, while you battle it out with the chemo and the game, this lad is thinking of yous all and await the day yous feel up to playing out… in the meantime my thoughts are with yous…. if you can bé bothered check out Love all or Perish and Jeff Flesch on WordPress both are pumping out some thoughtful words….
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😊… thank you
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a reply to Death’s Playbook….
Through brash and hawthorn,
on hands and knees,
crawling through hurt,
cuts deep so deep,
yet this blood entwined flows free,
the love in you is the love in me,
heart aches,
breaks,
to find thee.
said Angels and Ghouls,
“don’t go there”
“get to fuck” I reply “this pain I’ll bear. It’s never to be heard of. Never to be shared”
“I’ll hold it with love and so gently with care, always and forever. Never in dispair”
With soul light as guide,
and calmed anger to spare,
this death I glare at,
with an unwavering stare,
“get to fuck and fuck right off” I snarl out through gritted teeth “Death I have the cut of your cloth and menace I match thee with this axe, one blow. You have what I love now let her go”
“If you’re in here I’ll find you. I will hold you with care. I will carry you in love. Love to spare”
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